So, I’m in the bathroom taking my Thursday morning 12-incher, fogging up the mirror, getting yelled at by Anita to “turn on the goddamn fan!” and I’m listening to the radio when some boob calls in and says that he’s scared of the Cardinals “getting hot.”

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

In case you weren’t paying attention last night, we took first place in the NL Central by percentage points. The Cardinals were busy getting pasted 15-1 by the Pirates. The Pirates!

After a great night, I have to wake up and listen as those same assholes who were counting us out of the race when we were 6 games behind the Brewers are lamenting the fact that the CARDINALS are the biggest danger to my team? I know you people have historically been kicked in the collective dick over and over and over again until it looks like a 6-week old banana. Or maybe a plantain. Which one is the smaller one? But this is stupid talk, even for you dopes.

Look, I’m not one to declare a team dead when they still have some life like some people on this site do, but I’m also not stupid enough to wet the bed about a bad team six games behind us with 56 left to play, and here’s why.

Let’s say when we were seven and a half games behind the Brewers on June 1 (prior to our turnaround), you were one of the internerds screaming, “OMFG! THE CUBS ARE TEH SUXOR!!!0NE!!!1!!! THEIR NEVER GON TO CATCH TEH BREWERS!! OMFG JJ HARDY IS TEH HAWTNESS!!!!!! >:(”

First of all, pay attention in English class. For now, pay attention in MY class:

• We came all the way back to catch the Brewers, yes, but it took us exactly two months to make up the 7.5 game difference between us and the Brewers on June 1. If the Cardinals wait two months to make up the difference now, they’re going to be watching the playoffs from their ugly-ass homes in their shitty-ass city, picking scabs off their dirty-ass bare feet and drinking their piss-ass warm crap-ass Busch Light.
• Based on runs scored and runs allowed, we were off to a very unlucky start to the season. In fact, we’re still recovering from that bad luck. Our Pythagorean W-L record is 60-46, meaning we project to be three wins better than our current 57-49 record. The Cardinals, on the other hand, have actually been lucky as hell to this point in the season. While they’re sitting at 50-54, 4 games under .500, their Pythagorean W-L record projects them at 44-60, 16 games UNDER .500. If the runs scored and the runs against had evened out (which they generally come close to doing by the end of the season), we’d be up FOURTEEN games on the Cardinals in the loss column instead of 5, and they would be FIFTEEN games behind us with 56 left to play. Just because there were some residual effects from that deal with the Devil the Cardinals had last year doesn’t mean they’re going to negotiate a new contract with him.
• At the trade deadline, the Cardinals added the astonishingly shitty Joel Piniero, and that actually improved their rotation. Sure, Jim didn’t make any deadline trades, but in case you haven’t noticed Kerry Wood is coming back either today or tomorrow. If you could make a trade at the deadline, who would you rather see in a Cubs uniform? Piniero or Wood? Not my Wood, you perverts.
• Let’s beat up on the Cardinals’ rotation for a second. God knows everyone else in the league has. You do realize that the best pitcher in their rotation is currently Todd Wellemeyer, right? Todd Wellemeyer. Todd Fucking Wellemeyer. For the love of God, the guy is carrying around a 4.19 ERA and a 1.535 WHIP, and he’s their “ace.” Kip Wells? 4-13 with a 5.72 ERA. Anthony Reyes? 1-10 with a 6.11 ERA. As godawful as Jason Marquis has been lately, he’d be their SECOND-BEST STARTER, for Christ’s sake!
• Karen Carpenter is done for the season. How hard was it for the Cubs to make up 7.5 games in two months with Carlos Zambrano pitching like it’s a contract year? Whaddya mean, it is a contract year? My point is, if it took the Cubs two months to catch up with Zambrano pitching like I imagine God himself might pitch, how exactly are the Cardinals supposed to make up all this ground in less time without Karen?
• Wanna talk offense? Poo-Holes is on pace to collect 111 RBI, which would be the lowest RBI total of his career, including his rookie season. The Cardinals’ number two run-producer, Chris Duncan, is projected to finish with 92 RBI. Scott Rolen’s back is finally about to explode on him, as he’s on pace to hit only 9 HR. That would be by far his lowest total in an almost-complete season in his career. Three of their regular starters (Yadier Molina, Adam Kennedy, and David Eckstein) have fewer than 20 RBI, and a fourth (Lassie Edmonds) has only 26. Ryan Theriot, Cliff Floyd, and Jacque Jones all have more RBIs than FOUR of the Cardinals’ everyday players (including Edmonds). Mike Fontenot, Angel Pagan, and FELIX PIE have more RBIs than THREE of their everyday players (Molina, Kennedy, Eckstein). Not one of those three Cubs has more than 154 at-bats! Come on! The Cardinals’ offense is almost as shitty as their starting rotation.

Quit shitting your pants about the fucking Cardinals. Teams that look backwards are doomed to stumble, and they whine like a bunch of pussies. Let’s put a ton of space between us and the Brewers so we can start thinking about the playoffs, instead.

-Sweet Uncle Lou