Im Steve Garvey, and I like to be spanked by women wearing rubber.Say what you will about Steve Garvey. Can’t think of anything? I’ll get you started: Get bent, Steve Garvey. Get bent past ninety degrees. Get bent until your nose is being tickled by your own butt hair. And when you don’t think you can bend anymore, breath deeply, Steve Garvey, and smell your own foulness. Because, by the glory of a measly five October games, you are #75 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Steve Garvey was drafted by the Los Angeles Dodgers in the first round of the secondary phase of the 1968 draft. He played mostly first base for the Dodgers from 1969 until 1982, compiling five 100-plus RBI seasons during his time with the Dodgers. After the 1982 season, Garvey was granted free agency.

More’s the pity for the Cubs.

Garvey signed with the San Diego Padres on December 21, 1982. While he didn’t exhibit the same power in San Diego that he showed in Los Angeles, he did manage to drive in 80+ runs in three of his four seasons with the Dodgers. Garvey was released at the end of the 1987 season, after which he retired.

It would be easy to poke fun at Garvey for his activities after his retirement from baseball, like his “Celebrity” Ski Classic, so I will.

See how easy that is?

Garvey is such an easy target because he’s all kinds of smarmy. Just look! He’s the asshole jock who still acts like an asshole jock. Yet he charms the hell out of his teachers, his coaches, his priest, and your mom. Forget what he did to your favorite team while he was in uniform. Worry more about what he’s doing to your wife in his underwear while you’re sitting here reading about Steve Garvey. Does your son really look like you? Does he? You don’t even have brown hair.

Garvey’s off-field, in-bed adventures, are so well-known that they inspired a blog called “Sons of Steve Garvey.”

Since his retirement, Garvey has been busy organizing celebrity events, public speaking, and “product endorsing.” Not only did Garvey organize the above-mocked Steve Garvey Celebrity Skiing, but he also put together Steve Garvey’s Celebrity Billfishing Tournament. What’s a billfish? This:

Get out of the water!  Garvey and the celebrities are back!If you thought Garvey vs. Smith was bad, take some solace in knowing that at least some part of Garvey had to have been speared by some part of that fish at some point in his life.

Garvey also does motivational speaking, lecturing on a number of topics. If you have any need for Garvey’s services, he gives any of the following talks:

  • Keeping Your Dick in Your Pants: What to Do with Your Keys & Change?
  • Ruining a Super Bowl: The Awkward Marriage Proposal
  • Doing Infomercials & Ten Other Ways to Pay for Hair Gel
  • The Artful Dodger: Paying Bills is for Pussies
  • Child Support? Get a Job, You Bastards!

If you want to contact Garvey to hire him for these or many more lectures, just head home. He’ll be the guy in the closet hiding behind your dress shirts.

Why You Should Hate Him: October 6, 1984. Garvey put up a .400/.429/.600 and drove in 7 RBIs on 8 hits in the 1984 NLCS against the Chicago Cubs. But you probably remember him better for the one homer he hit. The Cubs entered Game Four of the NLCS with a 2-1 series lead over the San Diego Padres. After the Padres took a 5-3 lead in the 7th inning, the Cubs immediately rallied to tie the game at 5 in the top of the 8th. With the game tied at 5-5 in the bottom of the 9th inning, Garvey stepped to the plate with Tony Gwynn on first base. Garvey, who had hit only 8 home runs during the regular season, launched a two-run home run off stud Cubs closer Lee Smith, sending the series to a decisive Game Five, which the Padres won. Many a young Garvey was conceived that night in San Diego, I can assure you.

Did You Know? Garvey is married to Candace Henderson, who co-hosted The Home and Family Show with Chuck Woolery. Woolery hosted The Love Connection, a show which basically gave young people an excuse to talk on TV about banging each other. As parting gifts for the guests, perhaps they should have given out bumper stickers reading “Steve Garvey is not my Padre.” The stickers apparently became popular after Garvey’s exploits became public.