Hire Jim Essian

Seriously? Steve Trachsel? I don't have a whole lot of time for the Roundup, what with me watching Marshall serve up a three-run dong to Hunter Pence, and watching us get fucking mystified by Wandy Fucking Rodriguez, so here's your crap Roundup: Imagine, the Muskrat wrote this article before we got Trachsel. Wow. Earlier today, I couldn't remember if ... Read More

I don't even want to talk about the fact that the Human Rain Delay is coming back to Chicago. Steve Trachsel hasn't been good in years, and the Cubs have apparently given up two minor leaguers to bring the 36-year-old back to Chicago. Sadly, this might mean that Sean Marshall, who is a much better option than Trachsel in the ... Read More

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On Thursday, the Cubs sent left-hander Clay Rapada to the Detroit Tigers to complete the deal for outfielder Craig Monroe. They also sent outfielder Buck Coats to the Reds for a player to be named later. Though your average fan would not lament the loss of Rapada and Coats, the tweeners at the four-letter site are incensed. Some highlights: uggg....Did not want ... Read More

Remember how shitty May was? Remember how we crapped our way to a 12-15 record? And then we punched a few idiots off the team, Zambrano pulled his head out of his ass, and we started winning? We went 17-11 in June, and 17-9 in July. Well, as bad as May was, we're worse so far in August. ... Read More

On this date in 1969, the Philadelphia Phillies signed an 18-year-old kid as an amateur free agent. That kid was named Jim Essian. Essian went on to play twelve years in the Major Leagues, hitting .244/.327/.347 over that time, with 33 home runs and 207 RBIs. Essian's best season came in 1977 with the Chicago White Sox. ... Read More

CHICAGO--Chicago Cubs pitcher Rich Hill improved his record to 8-7 Tuesday night in the Cubs' 5-3 win over the visiting Milwaukee Brewers. Hill threw 7 strong innings, allowing only 3 runs on 7 hits, striking out 9 Brewers and walking none. The win gave the Cubs a 2.5-game lead over the Brewers in the NL Central and kept ... Read More

Affiliated Press: All-star outfielder Jim Edmonds, of the St. Louis Cardinals, is all set to make his TV debut. The live, Reality TV-style segment, which will air on the popular newsmagazine "Dateline", will feature Mr. Edmonds meeting one of his biggest fans in a "totally unscripted and unpredictable setting", according to Dateline producer Olive Talley. MSNBC (a joint venture between ... Read More

Back came Soriano. To two went Theriot. The Cubs fans all got out their brooms, To sweep those Brewers home. Oh, all three games are at night, It will be quite a fight. The Fat Prince rides in force tonight, From first place he did fall. Oh, throw down your Miller, yo, Drive down your motor homes. Side by side we wait the fight, Of the "best" of the Central. Dunn's Reds ... Read More

Today is Sweet Uncle Lou's 64th birthday, and what would make for a better gift than a win over the Milwaukee Brewers? Well, these things: A quick and painless end to the idiotic Seventh Inning Stretch Competition. A Latin Kings Yankees hat. Any type of alcohol that helps Lou forget what happened on his 34th birthday. The foresight to bat Soriano 5th tonight. A ... Read More