Look, let’s not get all “doom and gloom” over last night’s beatdown. If we go ahead and win 2 of 3 for the rest of the season, we’re going to be in great shape. Let’s hope last night’s game woke up the Cardinal bats for their series against the idiots from the North. And let’s not forget we didn’t lose any ground to those same idiots yesterday.

• So, apparently, Steve Stone is going to be in the booth with “He Drunk” Harrelson as a substitute for Darrin the Frog. I’m not pissed about this like the Chaim Witz is, because I think Stone has turned into a completely arrogant prick, but I wonder if he thinks it’s weird that they keep pairing him with senile old drunks. What’s next? Are they going to make him my pitching coach?
• Speaking of Stone, his favorite used car salesman was dominant in yet another rehab outing. Two strikeouts and a hit in one inning of work, while throwing his fastball 93-94 mph. He’s scheduled to pitch again today, to see how he reacts to back-to-back appearances. Keep your fingers crossed that he does well, since after last night, I’m thinking our bullpen could use all the help it can get.
• How great is Bruce Miles? He manages to slam ESoxPNNY and Barrett, while still having time to get me all excited about a possible Cubs-Brewers NLCS.
• You know who else is great? Bob Costas. After Barroid called him a midget, Costas fired back and called Barroid a juicer. Either that, or Costas was suggesting that Barroid has fake tits. Who does Lilly have to kill to make this guy to be the next Commissioner of Baseball?
• Hendry says he’s still open to trade possibilities. I’m all for tinkering with the team, but Ty Wigginton? Really? What, Wes Helms wasn’t available? Jim, we have a guy who’s exactly like Wigginton, only better. His name is DeRosa. He likes fat chicks, but don’t hold that against him. If you’re looking to trade, Jim, can’t this guy play right?
• HJE (as well as some of my favorite Cubs blogs) gets a few shout-outs in this article about why we’re going to win the Central. Good article, even though he posted the link of some asshole who stole OUR Izturis video and posted it on YouTube. Don’t worry. Kermit reported the little prick to YouTube’s Copyright Department.
• Thank God Dan McNeil is back on Mac, Jurko, and Harry. I was worried that I was never again going to hear that egotistical fatass talk about having meat delivered in a giant box to his back door. Homo.

Well, kids, get ready for the bedwetters at the four-letter site to cream their jeans. We’re playing the Reds this weekend, and you know how those goobers get when Mr. Big VORP Donkey comes to the plate. I get the feeling that a lot of moms are going to be having to wash a lot of Transformer bedsheets come Sunday.

-Sweet Uncle Lou