There are worse things out there than ghosts, Brewers fans.You might be wondering about that sound you heard from up north when you woke up this morning. That sound that started out low, and then started to grow. “Is that- Is that ‘Patience’?” you thought to yourself. Nope. That’s the sound of Brewers fans whistling past the graveyard on their way to work this morning. And I don’t blame them. After last night’s Cubs win and Brewers loss, the Cubs are a slim two games behind their neighbors from up north. Many of the Brewers have been awful lately, and the Brewers’ nail-biting two-game lead is causing much hand-wringing in Milwaukee, even over yesterday’s trade for Scott Linebrink. Brewers fans are whistling past the graveyard, indeed, and the tombstones in that graveyard have some familiar names.



Here Lies Ben Sheets
Staff ace, Olympic phenom, first pitcher in Milwaukee made of glass
Died as he lived, with his right middle finger shoved up his ass

Here Lies Jeff Suppan
2.55 ERA in March and April; 4.99, 7.68, and 5.88 ERAs since
Hated as a Cardinal, hated slightly less as a Brewer

Here Lies Chris Capuano
3.21 ERA in March and April; 4.60, 6.55, and 5.40 ERAs since
Should have stuck with acting

Here Lies Derrick Turnbow
.905 OPS against in July
And here we all thought being emo would be the death of him

Here Lies Scott Linebrink
9.35 ERA in July
The Padres got rid of him for a reason

Here Lies Prince Fielder
29 HR, 70 RBI in the First Half; 1 HR, 5 RBI in the Second Half
He might have choked on an entire ham. Instead, he choked on pressure.

Here Lies Ricky Weeks
.133/.278/.156 in July
You can’t spell “Weeks” without “weak”

Here Lies J.J. Hardy
.185/.232/.215 in July
May his soul patch rest in peace

Here Lies Geoff Jenkins
.193/.303/.351 in July
We might have accidentally buried Favre alive in here

Here Lies Corey Hart
.179/.235/.449 in July
The “Boy in the Box” is now truly a boy in a box