Hey, you guys didn’t think we were going to win out the second half, did you? Look, we lost one game last night. Sure, Kendall was pretty godawful both at the plate and behind it, and Will Ohman is yet another step closer to me rubbing a culture of flesh-eating bacteria on his jock strap, but it was one game. Yeah, I know what a culture is, jerkwads. I studied in school!

So, boo-fucking-hoo, the Brewers won, and now we’re 4.5 games back. Kendall will be okay. He flew across the country, losing two hours in the process, and was probably pressing to make a good first impression, so he pulled a Barrett on us. I’ll give him the day off today, and he’ll settle down.

Secondly, we’re still 4-1 since the All-Star Break. That’s an .800 winning percentage, you dopes. If we can win 4 of 5 for the rest of the year, do you think we’re going to have a hard time chasing down the Fat Prince and his queer band of cheese-curd-eating assholes up north?

Plus, McDonough says that we have the cash and the authority to get a guy with a multi-year deal before the trade deadline. When this team has been in a legitimate race, Hendry pulled Aramis, Lofton, and Nomar out of his ass for spare parts. He still has 13 days to upgrade the outfield, the bullpen, or the starting rotation, so you can follow along with the trade rumors until that time.

Oh, and Hendry might not even have to trade for pitching help. Maybe it’s another dick tease, but Wood’s second rehab appearance was even better than his first. In case you missed it, he mowed down all three assholes he faced in the first one. Even though he gave up a run on a brokeback bat flare, Wood says he threw better this time than last time.

If that’s still not good enough news for you, Zambrano says he wants to stay with the Cubs.

And let’s not forget about how all the shit that normally happens to the Cubs is happening to the Brewers. Rickie Weeks sucks so badly right now that Tony Graffanino and Craig Counsell are splitting time with him at second base. Their best starter’s arm is going to sheet, and he’s out for 4-6 weeks. All we need is to have Rafael Furcal slam into Fielder, have Brian Shouse call up Bob Uecker and complain that he’s being too complimentary toward opposing teams, and have LaTroy Hawkins come to Milwaukee and “close out” the last two weeks of their season, and we’d waltz into October if waltzing weren’t for sissies.

Let the fat-ass fans of that team cry over every loss. Let’s keep some perspective in Chicago, and let’s go win 4 of our next 5.

-Sweet Uncle Lou