Hire Jim Essian

F@#$ you, Kermit. F@#$ you and your stupid list. You put me at number four on your list? That's bullshit. Maybe I didn't have the best years of my career with the Cubs, but you can't do what I do. I can do what you do, but you can't do what I do. That's why I'm ... Read More

Dear Diary, It is cold and dark in here. I am running low on supplies and water. Because of the damp conditions, my feet are cracked and raw. My separation from the team has stretched into its third day. I know not how the team is doing. The native boy who was providing me with play-by-play updates from ... Read More

NEW FOR 2007! Coming in August, 2007! The tenth installment in the world-famous line of Tom Emanski Instructional Videos, written, produced, and directed by Major League Super Star Fred McGriff! The DVD, entitled "How to Get Really Close to the Hall of Fame, But Not Make It," features the following chapters: 1. Your Hat and You: Why Not Wear It Like ... Read More

You know, it's too bad that Corey Patterson doesn't give a shit about the game of baseball, because as anyone at the four-letter site would tell you, Patterson is the greatest five-tool player in the history of the Cubs organization. Everyone who wasn't eating the bullshit being spoon fed to them by the Cubs organization saw only one tool ... Read More

CHICAGO--On Sunday, the Cubs placed outfielder Daryle Ward on the 15-day disabled list and recalled center fielder Felix Pie. In preparation for the move, editors at the Sun-Times, Tribune, and Cubs.com have worked all morning developing new pie-related puns such as the following: "Pie Gets Another Cup of Coffee" "Hendry Always Has Room for Pie" "Pie is Good and I Like to Eat Pie" ... Read More

CHICAGO--On Saturday, Cubs manager Lou Piniella, tired of watching the Cubs play baseball terribly, figured out a way he would not have to watch any longer. In the eighth inning of a one-run game, Angel Pagan was called out trying to advance to third base on a wild pitch. Piniella argued with the third base umpire, screaming and ... Read More

CHICAGO--On Friday, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano and catcher Michael Barrett got to do what Cubs fans have yearned to do all year. They got to punch Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano and catcher Michael Barrett in their underachieving faces. The two players were involved in a fistfight in the dugout during the fifth inning of the Cubs' game against the Atlanta ... Read More

It's June 1. To help out John McDonough, maybe we should help him come up with a motto for the 2007 Cubs to this point in the season. I'll start. "The 2007 Chicago Cubs: F@#$ You, Fans!" ... Read More

I hate this team. I hate this ballpark. I hate Jim Hendry. I hate John McDonough. I hate Larry Rothschild. I hate Ronnie Woo-Woo. I hate Mike the souvenir salesman. I hate the brass brand in the stands. I hate Len, Bob, Pat, and Ron. I hate the blue flag. ... Read More

It takes a special kind of player to work one's way into the Bottom 7 Cubs of my time after only 59 innings in a Cubs uniform. Melquiades Rojas Medrano was just that kind of player. I guess part of it is that Rojas managed to give up 54 hits, 30 walks, 29 earned runs, and 11 home ... Read More