Milwaukee Brewers Chris Capuano, Bill Hall, J.J. Hardy and Jeff Suppan had a successful acting debut playing themselves on an episode of “The Young and the Restless” which aired Wednesday, June 20.
The critical acclaim of the episode has spurned a second appearance for the four on the lesser-known daytime soap opera, “The Old and the Cranky.” The episode will also star Cubs manager Lou Piniella. HJE was fortunate to receive an advance copy of the script of the episode.
INT.-DAY-WRIGLEY FIELD VISITORS’ CLUBHOUSE
LOU PINIELLA naps on a folding chair, his legs propped up by a beer keg and a plastic cup half full of beer in his hand. He is snoring loudly. CHRIS CAPUANO, BILL HALL, J.J. HARDY, and JEFF SUPPAN enter. They stop when they see Lou in the middle of the room.
CAPUANO: What is HE doing here?
HARDY: I don’t know. Maybe he’s lost. Pardon me, sir?
Lou does not move. Hall picks up a rake and pokes Lou from a distance with the handle. Lou still does not move. Hall uses the handle to push Lou’s legs off the beer keg, which startles Lou awake and causes him to drop his cup.
LOU: What the f@#$?
Lou looks around wildly and sees the four Brewers standing there.
LOU: What do you assholes want?
SUPPAN: We’re here for the weekend series.
Lou imitates Suppan’s voice.
LOU: We’re here for the weekend series. Mee mee mee mah mee mee mee. You sound like a f@#$ing gnat. And what’s with the beard? The bottom half of your face looks like a vagina. Of course, it’s not as bad as Ty Pennington over here.
Lou points at Hardy’s soul patch.
LOU: What do that call that? A “landing strip,” right? I wonder why they call it that. Probably because of all the balls that have touched down on your chin, huh, Scott Spiezio?
HARDY: Well, I never!
LOU: Sure you don’t, Nikki Sixx. Your cheeks have f@#$ing stretch marks. And what’s with this joker?
Lou motions at Capuano.
LOU: What’s with the sideburns?
CAPUANO: Well, I-
LOU: You trying to look like Jack from Lost? Only after he’s been on the island for 10 years, and he hasn’t eaten or left the cave for the last four of those? Christ, kid. Get some sun and hit the weight room. And quit slouching your shoulders. Have some f@#$ing pride, for God’s sake.
CAPUANO: Now, listen here-
LOU: No, YOU listen here, Dr. Shephard. I have a hangover and a stiff neck from waiting in your clubhouse all night so I could be the first to welcome you to Wrigley.
HALL: That’s nice of-
LOU: Shut the f@#$ up, Steroids.
HALL: Excuse me?
LOU: You heard me, Roid Rage. Try not to strangle your wife and kid this weekend and hang yourself.
HALL: You can’t be throwing around wild accus-
LOU: I’ll throw around whatever the hell I want to throw around in my house. And if it lands between the pages of a magazine, so be it.
The Brewers look at one another. Hardy, who had been leaning against a pillar, stands back up straight.
HARDY: That’s disgusting.
LOU: You’re goddamn right it’s disgusting, Joey Greco. It’s as disgusting as your f@#$ state. It’s as disgusting as your dirty little city with your leaky little park and your stupid-ass retractable roof. Christ, you assholes are in first place, and more than half your park is filled with blue every time me and my boys come to town.
HARDY: Miller Park is a great-
LOU: Can it, Tony Almeida. You know what the only good thing about Miller Park is? That our guys can sleep at home in their own beds instead of having to stay in one of the hotels in your shit town and having a cockroach lay eggs in their ear canals.
CAPUANO: Milwaukee is home of-
LOU: Lavergne, Shirley, and you shitheads. And nothing in between.
CAPUANO: Lavergne and Shirley aren’t even real-
LOU: So you puds are in for the weekend dickfer, huh?
HARDY: What’s a dickfer?
LOU: You wouldn’t know, would you, Howie Mandel? You know what would be a good idea?
HALL: What?
LOU: If you turned around, got back into your wiener mobile, or whatever the hell you rode here, and pedaled your asses back to Milwaukee.
SUPPAN: Why would we do that?
LOU: Because, Snatch Mouth, right now you have nice little seven and a half game lead on us. When you leave on Sunday, it’s only going to be four and a half games. If you stay and play, it’s going to be embarrassing. If you leave now and just forfeit, no one will even know you were here.
HARDY: That’s not the Brewer way!
Everyone stops to look at Hardy. Lou stands up, walks over to Hardy, and punches him in the crotch, sending him crashing to the floor.
LOU: Anyone else?
The Brewers look at one another nervously and don’t say anything.
LOU: Good. Now get the hell out of my clubhouse, out of my city, and out of my division.
The Brewers exit as the scene fades to black.
Not funny, and sort of lame. If you have a job go back to doing it and leave the “comedy” to profesionals.
You’ll be hearing from the WWE
Clap. Clap. Clap.
Good work, Kerm.
Incidentally, mind if I offer up a shameless plug for my Rod Beck eulogy? Thanks.
http://www.goatriders.org/node/1485
No, Mike. I’m going to let the twit above you post, but you can’t.
Incidentally, I read it late last night and loved it.
Who’s Hill? Did Glenallen Hill make an unscheduled appearance or something? Helluva cameo.
Very funny, though. Fits in well with the mean streak unleashed in the Open Letter.
Damn. Good call, Jiraiya. I changed the “Hill”s to “Hall”s.
funny stuff!
Where’s Corey Hart? He has a great cheesy actor name.
Actually, he just sounds like a gay boy bander.
Never mind.
Until he appears on Y&R, he hasn’t proven his worth as an actor.
PenFoe, Corey Hart says the Brewers will “never surrender.”
Nice spelling AManBaller. If you’re going to insult someone, get your shit right.
The best acting work by a ballplayer since Don Drysdale appeared on the Brady Bunch.
i would rather listen to celion dion schreach while someone scratched there nails on a chalkboard for two minutes and nineteen seconds than watch that piece of shit again. that acting was so shitty, my god. and there’s something to say when you need to “slyly” put someone in the scene to “subtely” introduce “stars” on a “show”….
The gauntlet has been thrown. Bravo, Brava, Bravi! Why is Juan Pierre still bitterly posting here as Aram?
Claps all around. Excellent BK!
Lou drink that whole keg by himself?
i gotta say i liked “The Old and The Cranky” a lot better… that soap is going places.
Mrs. Kermit, if you wouldn’t mind stepping over here for a minute. I know that you talked to BK on the phone Tuesday and he told you he was going to teach his Gymanstics For The Elderly class as usual, but our camera crew followed him and what we found is pretty disturbing. If you wouldn’t mind looking into the monitor here for a second you’ll see he approaches the senior center and actually continues to drive right past it. We followed him all the way down to Joe’s on Weed St. and as you can see he gets out of the car and he is not alone. That’s right, there is a fake soul patch on his face. And he’s wearing a “Dave Matthews for President in ’08, Brah” t-shirt.
Oh, that’s just outstanding.
Loved the soap. Kermit is always funny AManBaller (that was great) so deal with it.