#3: Alex “Your Hopes for a 2003 Championship Are” Gonzalez
You’re a lucky man, Alex Gonzalez. Your ridiculous flair for dramatic walk-off home runs and your shockingly timely home runs in the 2003 NLCS spared you from a much more degrading fate on The Bottom 126.
As it stands, you gave me just barely enough fist-pumping moments to squeeze in at third on the list. It helped your case that the trade for you sent Felix Heredia out of the country. You also didn’t seem to be the face of pure evil, though I suppose the face of pure evil would actually disguise itself with the face of an angel. Either that or a mask of human skin. In any event, congratulations on not being ranked higher.
Gonzalez came to the Cubs from Toronto on December 10, 2001, as one of those alleged “great glove, power-hitting shortstops.” Unfortunately for the Cubs, when you convert Canadian “great glove, power-hitting shortstops” into U.S. currency, they end up being “21-error, mediocre-power turds.” Thanks a f@#$ing lot, Canada. And, by the way, what the f@#$ am I supposed to do with this penny? 
Get your wanna-be U.S. coins out of our circulation! Your money is about as good here as Gonzalez’s plate discipline.
There are two groups of people who think that Alex Gonzalez is a good baseball player. One thing they have in common is that they both refer to Gonzalez as “Gonzo” or “A-Gonz.” The other thing they have in common is that they are idiots.
The first group are those people who like to use the phrase “some pop.” They say things like, “Gonzo wasn’t that bad. He was a great fielder, and he had some pop in his bat.” Bullshit on both counts. Gonzalez was an average fielder with good range and a good arm. He gets credit for being involved in a lot of double plays. Whoop-dee-f@#$ing do. All that statistic tells you is that the Cubs pitchers couldn’t keep anyone off first base when Gonzalez was with the team. As to the “pop in his bat” foolishness, Gonzalez has a career .391 slugging percentage. Neifi Perez has a .375 career slugging percentage. That is not pop. You want a player with “some pop in his bat”? Shitty players like Jose Valentin have some pop. Even in Valentin’s worst full year, he had a higher SLG (.393) than Gonzalez’s career average. The only thing Gonzalez makes “pop” is the vein on my forehead.
The second group of people who support Gonzalez do so solely because they want to have sex with him. That’s right, heterosexual male Gonzalez supporters. Frantically go back and check whether you fall into the first group. This group is for those attracted to dudes and consists of mostly women and Derek Jeter. Nothing drove me more crazy than when I would be at Wrigley Field during the 2003 season, discussing (loudly) how badly Gonzalez sucked only to have a woman in a pink Cubs jersey and hat turn and say to me, “But A-Gonz is so cute! Don’t make fun of him! Here are my terms. Lead yourself out of Wrigley Field and I will buy you alcohol, including a pitcher of Goose Island, from which you will give me-, from which you will give me a glass of-” And then I would say, “I have an offer for you. Here are my terms. Lower your beer, and march straight back to your boyfriend with the soul patch, the wife beater, the tattoos, and the giant holes in his earlobes, stopping at every home in Wrigleyville to beg forgiveness for 95 years of losing, mismanagement, and failure. Do that and you shall live. Do it not, and every one of your pink-shirted Trixies will die today.” And she’d say, “You are outmatched. You have no clutch hitting. In two centuries no team has won without-” And I’d say, “I’m not finished! Before we let you leave, you must cross that field, present yourself before this team, put your head between your legs, and kiss your own arse.”
Like I said, both groups of Gonzalez defenders were either dopes, or they were watching the wrong Alex Gonzalez. Watching the Cub version of Gonzalez was maddening. It didn’t take a hitting coach to figure out what he was doing wrong. Gonzalez was the right-handed Jacque Jones, trying to pull every goddamn pitch he saw into the left-field bleachers. Gonzalez would try to pull a pitchout if he swung at it. Whether he was told to make an adjustment, or whether he made one on his own, Gonzalez would have a stretch of about a week at a time when he would drive outside pitches to right-center field for doubles. Gonzalez would then get all excited that he was a “power hitter,” and he’d start trying to pull the shit out of the ball, only to find that he would revert to his same awful numbers when he did so. Perhaps pretty boy had seen this commercial too many times?
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Gonzalez’s love of chicks the long ball is a big part of the reason two of Gonzalez’s “Similar Batters,” according to Baseball-Reference are Jeff Blauser and Jose Hernandez. If he would have just hit pitches where they were pitched, he might have had a chance to be a halfway decent hitter. Instead, he had all the power of a Blauser plus all the strikeouts of a Hernandez. If only Gonzalez had gotten the looks of a Don Mossi, 
not even the women of the world could have defended him.
Just how averse to getting on base was Gonzalez? Well, in 2004, Gonzalez was actually hit by a pitch, and wasn’t awarded first base. The pitch actually broke Gonzalez’s hand, snapping one of his f@#$ing HAND BONES into two pieces, yet he was unable to sell the fact that he was hit by a pitch to the umpire. Did he really hate getting on base that much? Take off your batting glove and show the umpire the BONE protruding from your skin as your swollen hand fills with blood. I bet he’ll give you first base. And then get that hand taken care of.
At the 2004 trade deadline, Gonzalez was traded after his hand healed in the four-team deal which brought Nomar Garciaparra’s gimpy groin and Matt Murton’s shockingly red hair to the Cubs. Gonzalez ended up on the Expos. I should have asked him to take this goddamn penny off my hands.
Low Point: Game f@#$ing Six. Blame Bartman, blame the goat, blame Farnsworth, blame Prior, blame whoever you want, but no one had a better chance to end that nightmarish eighth inning than Gonzalez. The score was still Cubs 3, Marlins 1 with one out and runners at first and second when Prior induced a double-play ground ball which should have ended the inning. The ball went right through Gonzalez for an E-6. Seven more Marlins crossed home plate after the error that inning, making the score 8-3 Marlins, which ended up being the final score of the game. Just think. If Mr. Great-Glove had been able to turn a routine double play in the biggest Cubs game of my lifetime, in all likelihood the sign on that one building on Sheffield might read AC030303 instead of AC036198. Sigh.
Did You Know? The other Alex Gonzalez–the one on the Marlins–is the one that basically put Game Seven out of reach for the Cubs. In the seventh inning, with the Marlins leading the Cubs 7-5, Gonzalez hit a two-run double off Dave Veres, giving the Marlins a 9-5 lead. F@#$ you, Bizarro Gonzalez. The Cubs lost the game and the series 9-6.
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
After Game 7, I was in tears and just about on sucicide watch for a few days. Just to think if Dusty would have just went out there to CALM everyone down after Alou was throwing a hissy-fit, who knows what would have happened.
I agree with Fro Dog! The Cubs’ collapse in Game 6 was more avoidable than Hurricane Katrina. There was even a whole TV show devoted to why Bartman was the least of our problems that night. I can even remember being surprised and slightly amused after “The Incident” happened, it was only later after the flood gates opened that I started to associate that moment with the team choking. Dusty should have gone out and talked to Prior and everyone, Alou should have just said Oh damn, punched his glove and gone back to the game as if nothing had happened, Prior shouldn’t have freaked out, Gonzalez shouldn’t have fudged the DP, I should have stopped writing 3 sentences ago … but yeah, that whole thing was stupid
On a unrelated side note, I actually sort of like collecting Canadian coins :-)
I have to admit I’m surprised that Gonzalez made it this high on the list, with Korey, LaTroy and Rojas all behind him. Interesting order. I guess it shouldn’t be surprising because of that error in game six. That one play alone could be reason enough to take top honors.
Alex, Alex. Did you know the dipshit actually had a higher fielding percentage that year than Edgar Renteria? (Pretty sure I spelled that wrong, but I’m too lazy to look it up. He didn’t win the Gold Glove, though. His freaking Batting Average was too low!) Of all the plays to fuck up, a play he made a hundred freaking times in the year. He was one of those guys, as soon as I would start talking shit about him to my wife, he’d do something like hit a walk off homerun. Then he’d suck for another ten games and by the time I was fed up with him and talking shit again, he would come through again. I HATE guys like that. Either be good most of the time or suck most of the time. Both are fine with me. I either want to like you all of the time or throw things at the TV when you come to the plate. I don’t want that niggling glimmer of hope that maybe this will be the one good AB out of 50 that will keep me from completely loathing you. Not too much to ask. Basically, I either want a guy to be Derrek Lee or Neifi Perez/Joese Macias. None of that maddening inbetween crap.
Shouldn’t it now read AC046299? I always thought it tracked to the current year. I guess I’ll just look when I’m there on Monday.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I think they change it after the season each year, B.F. (remember them changing the first 2 digits to “00″ after they won in ’03?) So at the start of this season it was 3 seasons since the NL Central pennant, 61 since the ’45 World Series, and 98 since the last championship.
Canadian quarters will often work in vending machines! Ha! Take that, stupid cola conglomerate!
Sure, I remember that, but I thought the next year it was at 01 already. I could easily be misremembering of course. Your way does make more sense, which is why I thought I remembered that it was the other way, because it seemed so odd for them to do it that way.
This requires someone to go look at the building.
http://finance.yahoo.com/q/bc?s=CADUSD=X&t=5y&l=on&z=m&q=l&c=
Canadian currency was worth about 25% less in 2001 when the Cubs got Gonzalez than it is right now. $1 CAND=$0.95 right now. By the All-Star Break, a Canadian penny might be worth more than a Lincoln.
Kermit is correct on the way they display the numbers on that building.
You know, until now, I was really enjoying these entries. They were funny, and I got a perverse pleasure (the best kind of pleasure) remembering the parade of suck-asses that have worn the blue pin stripes during my time as a Cubs fan. But this one hurt. Remembering this complete stupid-fuck kicking that sure double play hurt. Remembering that the Cubs gagged away the biggest slam-dunk chance at a World Series since 1984 hurt. I don’t know how you wrote this one Kermit, but I commend you for it.
Damn, I thought I was over this. I guess I’ll never get over Macho Grande.
as an after note, Gonzalez sucked so hard he couldn’t cut it with the Expos, NOR THE DEVIL RAYS.
But this entry was painful to read….
CT, I’ve reached that “resignation” stage in coping, or whatever it’s called. I’m just numb to 2003 now. It’s the only way I could write it. That, and I watched the “Chicks Dig the Long Ball” commercial 8 times.
I got a knot in my stomach when I heard the Cubs “ask permission” of the Marlins to bring champagne in the clubhouse for Game 5 in Florida. It’s probably common for the visiting team on the verge of clinching in the playoffs, but something with it just didn’t sit right with me.
It also could have been because it was Sunday morning of homecoming week of my senior year in college, and I had been inebriated beyond all human function (literally, as my girlfriend at the time can easily attest to) after the mind-boggling amazement that was Friday and Saturday night.
That weekend would be my “Groundhogs Day” if I could ever capsule such a time in my life.
That’s a fantastic entry, BK. But your offer to pink-hatted Trixie should have included a clause wherein she put her head between her legs and kiss her own arse.
Anyone else find it fitting that we’re trying to figure out how they change the numbers on the sign that chronicles, for the entire ballpark to see, how many goddamn seasons it’s been since the Cubs won anything?
I hate this team.
So…Neifi and Hundley–it all comes down to this.
What a tough choice.
I don’t envy you, BK.
Pretty much equally useless, equally loathsome.
Just have to add that not ALL female fans are pink-hatted Trixies- I may think a player is the hottest guy ever but if he starts sucking on the field, get him off. And I’d never wear a pink hat. Those of us female fans who actually 1)know baseball and 2) don’t come to the game because we’re with a man who actually is the baseball fan or 3)go to the game to scope out ass find the Trixies an embarassment. Here’s to the real baseball-loving, blue-hat wearing, know-what-OBP-is woman!!
Though we did get Karros and Grudz for Hundley.
All we got for Neifi was the lead singer of the Black Crowes.
Flem is correct. The continued entry, as it should have been: “I’M NOT FINISHED! Before you leave, you will put your head between your legs, and kiss your own arse.” Bring the damned thunder, BK.
If the next two entries hurt as much as this one, I’m going to need 5 cases of beer and a 4 day weekend to get over it. Fuck that fucking fucker sideways with a fucking fire hydrant up his choking bitch ass. His whole life hurtled him along to that one play, and he cocked it up so bad he is Cub Buckner. That’s like FDR saying “the only thing to fear is…fuck, where are my notes? Son of a bitch, what was I saying? Oh yeah don’t be afraid and stuff – ASSHOLE! I told you to keep the fucking wheelchair off the camera!”
Also, fuck Alex because I was in the bleachers for that 6-5 game against the Cards, and it was one of the most joyous moments of my life. Pan-de-motherhumpin-monium. Strangers hugging in the streets and screaming from sheer jubilation. Now, it’s a tainted memory. That’s probably how divorced guys feel.
Flem and St. Pat, you guys are so right, that I had to go back and finish that quote.
Should have been #1. The fact that his walk off homeruns made me believe in him makes me sicker now, they didn’t buy him points. LaGascan would also be #2 on my list. Though who I believe will be your top 2 tomorrow are also very good selections.
BK – better closer than any Cub ever, except Fergie Jenkins. Way to finish the job.
I am looking forward (really! in a sick sort of way…) to the next two. However, if Sosa is 1 or 2, as some doucherocket suggested on the shoutbox, it would invalidate everything that has come before. Yes, he was an ass. Yes, he was a prima donna. Yes, he was also ‘roided out of his mind. At this point, I’ll accept his crimes and misdemeanors, because his win shares made me feel good (qualitatively) about the cubs during his time. The next two will make me hate remembering their rotting, fetid names. If it’s a choice between drug use and good times, I take the good times. JD’s deceased positive just told me that I’ll be happier if I do so. Always trust a desperate man trapped in the deep south.
There’s no WAY I would have put Sosa on this list, St. Pat. I was never a big fan of Sosa, but he’s one of the BEST Cubs of my lifetime, no matter how much I may dislike him.