#5: Fred “The Fact that He Took Money from the Cubs Was a Crime, Dog” McGriff
NEW FOR 2007!
Coming in August, 2007! The tenth installment in the world-famous line of Tom Emanski Instructional Videos, written, produced, and directed by Major League Super Star Fred McGriff!
The DVD, entitled “How to Get Really Close to the Hall of Fame, But Not Make It,” features the following chapters:
1. Your Hat and You: Why Not Wear It Like a Tee-Ball Coach?
- In Chapter One, Fred teaches you to wear your hat like the pros do! Fred’s “drop it on top” technique will have you “rockin’” your “lid” like you’re “all that!”
2. Swing Away, FLY Away!
- In Chapter Two, learn Fred’s unique “helicopter” swing! After you swing and miss strike three with two on, two outs, and your team down a run, you’ll need to get out of the ballpark in a hurry! The helicopter swing will let you do just that! Before the fans can even start to boo you, you’ll be flying away like Mary Poppins!
3. Defense is for Pussies!
- Some people like to say that hitting is only half the game. Yeah, the important half! In Chapter Three, Fred explains why running defensive drills isn’t cool, because it involves the word “defense” and “running,” two of Fred’s least-favorite things! When your coach says things like, “If you would have just gotten in front of that grounder, we would have won the state championship,” he’s just being an asshole! You can use the time you save not practicing your defense to comb your mustache!
4. Hollow Man: Having the Most Forgettable 30-HR, 100-RBI Season Ever!
- You probably think that a 30-home run, 103-RBI season is pretty good, right? Wrong! Chapter Four teaches you how to put up good power numbers without anyone noticing or caring! Why call attention to yourself if you don’t have to? Let someone else drive in all the important runs in those “pressure” situations while you rack up your power numbers in meaningless situations! After this chapter, you’ll be putting up completely hollow power numbers with the best of them!
5. Meaningless Achievements: Bruce Kimm and Me
- In Chapter Five, Fred gives you some personal insight into his baseball career! Listen to Fred’s heartwarming story of how he and Bruce Kimm became best buddies during the 2002 season! Hear an interview with Bruce, when he tearfully tells the camera, “We owed it to Fred to make sure he hit thirty home runs a season for five different teams. That’s the sort of record that people just don’t forget.” Relive that magical season as Fred assaults the record book and lights the town of Chicago on fire with excitement!
6. Blocking Youth: Using Your Huge Ass as Much as Possible
- In Chapter Six, Fred teaches you how to hang around just long enough during a 95-loss season so that your team doesn’t get a chance to take a long look at a younger, cheaper, possibly more talented player! Who wants to see a likable young kid diving after ground balls on the field when you can watch Fred stand out there like a “cigar store Indian,” as Mike Kiley once called him? After Chapter Six, you’ll be hindering player development and crippling franchises like a true veteran!
7. Retiring Seven Years Before You Quit Working
- In Chapter Seven, Fred explains how he was able to end his career seven years before he actually stopped working! Fred was able to retire to Florida way back in 1998, even though he didn’t stop working until 2004! How did he do it? You’ll have to watch Chapter Seven to find out!
8. Hostage Crisis! Keeping a Team in Limbo for Two Weeks
- In Chapter Eight, Fred shows you how to spend two weeks deciding whether you want to play out the remainder of your games with a terrible team in a terrible stadium with terrible fans in Florida, or be traded to a division leader playing in a beautiful ballpark in front of consistently sold-out crowds! Competition and expectations are hard! Why not agonize over an easy decision for weeks while the team that needs you loses ground in the division? Fred gives you the “do’s” and “don’t's” of being a disinterested slug with a complete lack of any semblance of competitive drive!
BONUS CHAPTER: Fred’s Low Point
- Relive Fred’s game on October 2, 2001! While the Cubs were desperately trying to stave off being mathematically eliminated from the NL Central race, Fred was desperately trying to get the season over with! Despite his teammates’ best efforts, Fred got the job done! In this early-October game, watch as the Cincinnati Reds defeat the Cubs 5-4 at Wrigley Field thanks, in part, to Fred’s 0-4 day, which included such gems as an unassisted groundout to the catcher and a swinging strikeout in a tie game in the bottom of the seventh inning!
ADDED BONUS: McGrivia!
- In this additional bonus chapter, learn all about the man behind the Major League Super Star! For example, did you know that Fred hosts a radio show in Tampa and is an assistant baseball coach at Jesuit High School of Tampa? It sure sounds like he is as interesting off the field as he was on the field!
Call to order:
1-800-EATS-ASS
Operators are standing by, completely motionless! Pre-order your copy TODAY! Or don’t! Either way, it won’t bother Fred!
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
I’m already working on step 7. The cubs and sites like this help me achieve that goal.
this is great. god dam he was a worthless fat-ass
I’ve never been more ashamed to be a Cubs fan then when McGriff got that standing ovation in his first AB after holding us hostage for 2 weeks.
Fuck him.
I was at a game against the Giants in 2002 when McGriff rather uncharacteristically hit a bases-clearing triple to bust open what was then a sixth-inning 4-4 tie. Pretty exciting at the time. Of course this was also in April and he was hitting .235. Being excited over McGriff’s trade from Tampa is probably not my proudest moment as a Cubs fan.
Fred McGriff played for the Cubs? When the hell was this? I didn’t think anyone played first base for the Cubs after Gracie left. At least not until Derrek Lee showed up.
McStiff eats ass.
Yay!
Me-um play better first-um base than Dog Who Bites Crime. Cost-um less wampum too.
McGriff’s Lazy lacklusterness was the perfect counterbalance my Blue-collar ball-busting
Matt, did you get my voice mail? My beer league softball team is looking for a first baseman, and I told the guys I’d see what you were up to.
BK, showing some range…After 120 entries, we get our first theme B126 post. Next time you talk to Kimmy, let him know that #5 is exactly the kind of record that I had totally forgotten, and will forget again within the next 48 hours.
What can I say? Inspiration hit me like the lineup of a back-to-back-to-back AAU National Championship team.
You’re a complete moron. Fred McGriff is a great man. You just don’t understand how hard it is to hit 30 home runs with 5 different teams. Fred wanted to break that record since he was a young boy. When he was 12, he told me:
“Mama, some day I’m going to have 30 homer seasons for 5 different teams, and it won’t be easy, because guys who hit 30 homers are usually considered valuable, so I’m going to have to be absolutely putrid in every other aspect of the game other than hitting. And I’ll probably need the help of a shitty interim manager somewhere along the way.”
And Bruce Kimm, god bless ‘em, was that man. So fuck Jim Essian.
Fred’s mom isn’t very nice. Hell of a cook, but quite the bitch. The bitch makes some mean fried chicken though. Not to mention she smells like my ass crack after a 5 mile run.
p.s. That’s not a good smell.
16 inch or 12 inch??
Wade Miller wants to play too, but I don’t think his hand could, umm…, handle the, errr…., extra four inches in the 16 inch.
I’d forgotten that I called him a “human yeast infection”. That’s damn fine work, if I do say so myself.
I think your all Fred Mcgriff groupies that have been rejected by him, he no longer gives you fruitcakes the cack and that has made you all spurn with envy….. …..HALL OF FAME 2009… LOSERS
@Big B – Either that, or because McGriff was a worthless turd who held the Cubs hostage for a month because he was content to run out the clock on his career in a baseball hellhole.
One of those two things.