#6: Corey “Tarded” Patterson


He’s right on that.  RIGHT on that.You know, it’s too bad that Corey Patterson doesn’t give a shit about the game of baseball, because as anyone at the four-letter site would tell you, Patterson is the greatest five-tool player in the history of the Cubs organization. Everyone who wasn’t eating the bullshit being spoon fed to them by the Cubs organization saw only one tool who was last seen wearing a #20 jersey and repeatedly trying to pull outside pitches into right field.

Congratulations, Jacque Jones. You’re no longer the biggest dumb-ass on The Bottom 126. Make way for Corey Patterson.

On June 2, 1998, Patterson was selected by the Cubs as the third overall pick of the draft. He was immediately touted as being the best position player prospect in the Cubs organization. That’s some high praise for an organization which hasn’t produced a Major League-caliber position player since Mark Grace. Patterson was also named the smartest man in Georgia, the best center fielder since Damon Buford, and the straightest man in Wrigleyville named Corey. Patterson put together only two full good months in his entire Cubs career in April and May of 2003, when Patterson batter over .300 and slugged over .550. Even in that stretch, though, Patterson’s ridiculous lack of plate discipline was evident, as he struck out 48 times during that time and walked only eight times (one of those intentional).

Patterson was either completely uncoachable, he was the stupidest player I’ve ever seen wear a Cubs uniform, or he was some “perfect storm” combination of the two. Patterson had one approach to hitting, and he went up there with that approach no matter what the situation was. He closed his eyes and swung as hard as he could at everything from his eyes to his toes. Sometimes, it worked and Patterson would get a hold of a long ball. Most of the time, it didn’t, as Patterson would try to pull a pitch on the outside corner, resulting in a weak ground out. Through it all, it was nearly impossible to walk Patterson. In his six seasons with the Cubs (including partial seasons), he only walked 111 times. To compare, the alleged “free-swinger” Sammy Sosa walked 116 times in the 2001 season alone.

Patterson was about as likable off the field as he was on it. I believe it was the 2003 NLCS that I was watching when they showed a shot of Patterson sitting in a f@#$ing box in the stands. What’s worse is that the douchebag wasn’t wearing a Cubs hat, a Cubs jersey, or anything showing his allegiance to the team. The guy wasn’t even wearing blue. The Cubs had won their first playoff series in ninety-five years, and the asshole couldn’t be bothered to put on his f@#$ing uniform and sit in the dugout with his teammates. Kiss my ass.

I’ll never forget an interview of Patterson I heard conducted by one of the dweebs on the Score in the summer of 2002, when I was still young and foolish and thought that eventually someone on Chicago sports radio had to eventually say something intelligent. The interviewer was talking with Patterson about where he preferred to bat in the lineup and whether he was comfortable with Don Baylor batting him in the leadoff position. I shit you not, Patterson said that he didn’t really know what a leadoff hitter was supposed to do. The interviewer actually laughed, thinking Patterson was joking, and asked what Patterson meant by his comment. Patterson calmly repeated that he didn’t know what a leadoff hitter was supposed to do. The kid was 22 years old, had presumably been playing baseball his entire life, and he didn’t understand the role of a leadoff hitter. Rather than attempting to teach him what the hell he was supposed to be doing, they just threw him out at leadoff or the second spot for the majority of the 2002 season. He stunk.

Patterson’s 2002 interview wasn’t the only infuriating one he gave. He couldn’t have acted like a more disinterested shithead during interviews if he tried. Patterson was the Russell Crowe of postgame interviews. I guess it’s possible that Patterson actually was too cool for school, which would explain his complete idiocy. He certainly could have mustered up slightly more enthusiasm for the game and for an interview than the “Gee, shucks, I sucked again today,” which he generally fed to reporters.

Toward the end of the 2005 season, a season during which Patterson was sent down to AAA Iowa for a month because he sucked so badly, Patterson was hitting a robust .222 with 12 home runs and 28 RBIs, as well as only hitting .174 after his return from the minor leagues. Enabler Dusty Baker asked Patterson to play winter ball, and Patterson was “undecided” as to whether he wanted to play. “The bottom line is I have to do what’s best for myself,” Patterson said. Yeah, f@#$ the other 24 guys on the team, you self-centered f@#$ing asshole. What’s best for your career, you short-sighted dipshit, is to learn how to lay off an 0-2 fastball thrown so far above the strike zone that you need a step ladder to even see it. Patterson ended the 2005 season with a .215 batting average. .215 isn’t so bad if you’re the cause of many a nocturnal emission on the four-letter site and you manage to put up a .354 OBP during that season. But when you hit .215 and only get on base at a .254 clip, it’s time to rethink your hitting approach. What a shame that it hurts Corey’s brain just to read the word “rethink.”

What’s more, during Patterson’s time in 2005 down in AAA, center fielder Jerry Hairston, Jr. was injured, yet the Cubs chose to leave Patterson in AAA and start Jose Macias in center field, which allegedly upset Patterson, even though he was playing like garbage for the Iowa Cubs. Upon his return, Patterson sucked it up during a game against the Colorado Rockies. After the game, Patterson said, “It’s just a game,” though Patterson insists that he said “It’s just the game.” Bullshit. You care about baseball slightly less than Jim Hendry cares about his cholesterol level.

Patterson was such a disinterested slug, that even the comatose Don Baylor questioned his desire. Patterson even managed to piss off Dusty Baker, who once redassed the sleepy center fielder on the field immediately following a game. You have to be some kind of nonchalant to piss off a guy whose ideal day is an afternoon of fishing on the lake with Neifi Perez and a toothpick in his mouth followed by a blowjob from Hank Aaron. Jesus, snort a line or something before the game, Corey, if that’s what it takes to get yourself motivated. Maybe the Cubs should have tried to trade Patterson to the 1986 Mets to get the guy hopped up on mountains of blow properly “motivated.”

Instead, the Cubs traded Patterson to 2006 Baltimore for table scraps Carlos Perez and Nate Spears after they brought Juan Pierre over from the Marlins.

For all of you people clamoring that the Cubs didn’t give Patterson enough time and that he “tore it up” last year in Baltimore, just stop. Patterson was up to his old tricks in Baltimore, swinging like a damn fool, refusing to take walks, and striking out a ton. The only aspect of Patterson’s game that has shown any signs of improvement in his Major League career has been his base stealing, which has improved (slightly) since reaching the big leagues.

You can blame the organization, blame Don Baylor, and blame Dusty Baker all you want for Corey Patterson’s complete failure to develop as a ballplayer, you four-letter goofballs. Sooner or later, though, you’re going to have to face the fact that Patterson is a stubborn, shitty player. And when that time comes, let’s hope you’re not still living in your mother’s basement.


Low Point: Patterson certainly had his share of embarrassingly terrible four- and five-strikeout games. But at the end of the 2002 season, Patterson went through an astonishingly bad stretch. After the All-Star Game, for the entire second half of the season, Patterson drew only two walks. The impatient Patterson went through a stretch of fifty-two straight games during which he failed to draw a walk. He had 213 plate appearances during the streak.


Did You Know? If you plug the word “Korey” (a popular nickname for Patterson based on his tendency to, well, “K” a lot) into the four-letter site, the filter picks it up and changes it to “Corey.” And if you plug the word “Dunn” in over there, everyone simultaneously orgasms.

  • TDubbs

    If he would have hit third in the order, maybe, JUST MAYBE, he’d have done better. And if I wasn’t fat, white, and short, i’d be better.

  • Jack

    No bones about it, Patterson was terrible. Sad to see a guy with so much potential talent who doesn’t have a clue what to do with it. Granted, the coaches in Chicago spent most of their time picking lice off of each other, but obviously Balto ain’t had much luck with his dumb ass either. He succeeds in streaks, just like he did with us. That’s pure luck, not true skill.

    Patterson being on here hurts almost as much as Prior. At least Prior has injuries he can point to. Corey has no one but himself to blame. I know a hundred guys who would kill to have half the talent of this guy and there’s tons of guys in the majors with less talent than that who get by simply by busting their ass. If Corey had had that kind of mentality, maybe he would have earned those comparisons to Lou Brock. Flashes of brilliance, no drive, and a pisspoor attitude.

    Thank God his younger brother doesn’t seem to have those character flaws. Eric is patient, fast, and seemingly humble. Personally, I think this kid is the real deal. Hopefully, his brother hasn’t completely fucked everything up for him and he’ll get his shot next season. Hopefully, he won’t be judged by his last name, but his perfomance on the field.

  • http://www.bigflax.com BigFlax

    I’m not so sure he shouldn’t have been #1 considering how frustrating he was for such a long period of time. Todd Hundley – who I assume is still coming – may have sucked even harder, but at least he only did it for two years and not four. Plus no one ever talked up Hundley as the second coming of Willie Mays or whatever.

    Patterson is definitely the archetypal example of why the Cubs haven’t won anything in a century, though. Hitting a guy leadoff whose career OBP is under .300, just because he’s kind of fast (but doesn’t steal bases)? Good God. His 2005 season may be the worst by a Cubs position player in history considering all factors – .215, a .254 OBP, an OPS+ of 56 (even lower than Cesar Izturis’ this year), and 21 more strikeouts than hits (118 to 97). Also, one K per game on average, but one walk every FIVE games. Jesus.

  • PenFoe

    Anyone who says that the Cubs shouldn’t have let Patterson go or that they didn’t give him enough time or points to his success with the Orioles last year can kiss my ass.

    These are the same people who think the Bulls should have kept Tyson Chandler, and I hate those people.

  • Slaky

    Fuck that…this man’s name is DONALD.

  • NSBB First time Poster

    I think we could still get him back for Pie. We could still use Kelton’s bat in LF. And Wellemeyer and Sisco would look mighty nice in our pen. Eh eh? Vance?

  • TDubbs

    PenFoe. . . if you think that signing Ben Wallace instead of keeping Chandler, for a third of the price and 9 years younger or whatever he is, was a good idea by Bulls management, well, then, you’re a fucking retard like Corey Patterson.

  • http://www.puppycamp.com MC Pee Pants

    No mention of his laser arm and fantastic defense?!? I’m starting to think that you don’t like him or something.

  • AB

    I heard he was into fat chicks. The Gaylord and Gail Fischer rumors were a smokescreen for the BBW/BWW connections he made through Hendry’s Krispy Kreme Anonymous Meetings.

  • In a Nutsack

    I tried the “Dunn” thing over there and it worked.

  • Pre

    Tysan Chandler sucks at basketball.

    Donald sucks at baseball. A lot.

  • Slaky

    Tyson Chandler must be awesome. He willed his team to the lottery this year. Well done Tyson.

    But he rebounds a lot, so that’s nice.

  • Liz

    Ha I expected Corey to crack top five. Can’t wait to see who else you’ve got going….man he was so frustrating to watch. Whatever happened to his brother?

  • ilrnr2910

    Thank God. I was waiting for this one. Corey really did make me want to sandpaper my eyeballs every single time he walked up to the plate.

    On a unrelated side note, LosCubs.com (the Cubs’ Spanish website), much like the Spanish language itself, has a very nice way of distilling things down:

    http://mlb.mlb.com/es/news/article.jsp?ymd=20070602&content_id=2001147&vkey=news_chc_es&fext=.jsp&c_id=chc

  • PenFoe

    TDubbs–I’m not defending the Wallace signing, I’m simply drawing the parallel between Patterson and Chandler, both being guys that Chicago gave PLENTY of time, failed repeatedly, and then succeeded upon leaving.

    In neither case do I feel Chicago gave up too soon or owed them a damn thing.

    And I wish them both nothing but a lifetime of mediocrity and disappointment.

  • http://www.goatriders.org Mike D.

    Sorry to be a dick, Kerm, but:

    A) August, 2004. Look it up. Even better than April/May 2003. Too bad he fell off the earth in September, or else we would have made the playoffs again.

    B) “The Cubs had won their first playoff series in nearly sixty years”. Try in nearly ONE HUNDRED years (95 to be exact).

    Good stuff though.

  • Jack

    Liz,

    Corey’s kid brother Eric is currently playing 2nd for the Iowa Cubs, who could probably beat the Chicago version right about now. Here’s his line:

    Individual Stats (Batting) (click column headers to sort)
    Player POS G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI TB BB SO SB CS OBP SLG AVG OPS E

    Eric Patterson 2B 52 189 38 57 7 4 6 31 90 18 34 6 3 .363 .476 .302 .839 5

    Not too shabby. I think he should be ready to play in the bigs next season. I saw him play a couple games in Peoria 2 years ago and to me he looked pretty good. Good eyes at the plate, good speed. He was Midwest League MVP in that season and played in the All Star game. Every time he moves up a level, he seems to struggle for a bit and then resumes hitting. Hopefully, he gets a shot next year and the fans can be patient with him. I think he’ll struggle at first and then find his groove. He could be our 2nd baseman for many years to come if his minor league numbers translate to the show.

  • http://thundermatt.blogspot.com Jake

    Corey’s current 2007 stats.

    .217 AVG, 1 HR 16 RBI, 11 BB, 28 SO

    He’s really flourishing in ol’ Baltimore!

  • StPatrick

    Korey may be the most frustrating cub of my lifetime. I hope Bunc and Jimmy McNulty catch him buying crack in the towers and beat his ass up one side and down the other. Did you know people think he looks like Rick Fox? You may look like Fox, but you hit like shit.

  • Pell Mell

    I swear this is true: I was watching an episode of Baseball Tonight just before the 2005 season. Gammons was being quizzed on his opinions of the NL Central. Just as they were about to cut away to another segment, he said: “Corey Patterson? Best hitter on the Cubs.” I almost plotzed!

  • http://www.bigflax.com BigFlax

    Was that Baseball Tonight’s infamous “State an Insane Opinion” segment? Because then it kind of makes sense. Alternately, Patterson ended 2004 fairly well so I can see why Gammons might have been confused. But oh man, he must have been so embarrassed later. I bet if you brought this up to him at a party he would yell, “What’s that?” and when you turn around, there’s nothing. And then you turn back and Gammons is out the front door and jumping into a taxi.

  • http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

    Mike, that’s not dickish. I’m retarded and forgot there were no playoffs in 1945. I’ll fix it. I just looked at Corey’s August, 2004.

    .336 / .388 / .605

    How very un-Corey (except for the ability to hit .336 and somehow not have an OBP over .400).

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