Hire Jim Essian

...so, here you go. My second-favorite action sequence (behind Indy going after the Ark) of all time. The trench run doesn't count because it's sci-fi and George Lucas is a douchekeg. ... Read More

As Aramis's personal asswipe. Apparently, everyone in Chicago crapped their pants after Aramis's homer. Oh, and FYI, my post was up LOOOOONG before Deadspin's. ... Read More

This is the sound of pure ecstasy. Also the sound of Len hitting puberty. Len's call. Pat and Ron's call. And the video is now up at Cubs.com. Thanks to bocaj and al for the links. ... Read More

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This is going to be a mega f@#$ing roundup. We have a lot to do before the drunks from the North get to town. Most of those things include alcohol and watching shit that makes you want to put your fist through a brick wall. In honor of that, this roundup is interspersed with adrenaline-fueled manhood goodness ... Read More

There has been some clamoring for an official HJE bizarro fantasy baseball league, where we try to assemble the worst possible starting lineup. An example of the rules of such a league can be found here. Here is where you can help out. We need to find a fantasy baseball league that allows us to (1) start at mid-season, ... Read More

Milwaukee Brewers Chris Capuano, Bill Hall, J.J. Hardy and Jeff Suppan had a successful acting debut playing themselves on an episode of "The Young and the Restless" which aired Wednesday, June 20. The critical acclaim of the episode has spurned a second appearance for the four on the lesser-known daytime soap opera, "The Old and the Cranky." The episode will ... Read More

CHICAGO--Tuesday night, the Cubs issued a letter to the rest of the MLB. HJE was lucky enough to get its hands on a copy of the letter, which read as follows: June 26, 2007 VIA EMAIL (MLB@MLB.COM) Major League Baseball ATTN: Everyone who calls us "lovable losers" United States of America Re: Us being fed up with this bullsh@t Dear MLB, @$$hole umpires, opposing ... Read More

The de-Dustification of the Cubs continues, as Rotoworld has "confirmed" that Cubs outfielder Jacque Jones has been traded to the Florida Marlins for a spare part. Rotoworld calls Jones a "solid stopgap." Between whom and whom, exactly? The Chicago Tribune is quoting the Orlando paper which originally scooped the story. *Thanks to bocaj for the link. UPDATE: FoxSports is reporting that the ... Read More

According to Inside the Ivy, right-handed reliever Billy Petrick has been called up to the Cubs' bullpen. Petrick is not on the 40-man roster, so a move must be made to clear up a spot. Whether the move is going to be to trade Jacque Jones, cut Wade Miller or put him on the 60-day disabled list, or ... Read More