As promised, HJE! stayed on top of the coverage of the meeting among Cubs manager Lou Piniella, general manager Jim Hendry, and interim president John McDonough. Since HJE!‘s very own Sweet Uncle Lou was a part of the meeting, we were able to obtain a transcript of the meeting.

JIM HENDRY and JOHN McDONOUGH enter the office of LOU PINIELLA. Lou sits behind a large oak desk, a copy of “Massive Juggs, Bigger Goiters” magazine on the desk and a bottle of Old Overholt next to a half-full glass near his hand. As the two men enter, Lou drains the glass.

LOU: You shitheads know why I asked you to meet with me?

JIM: No.

JOHN: No.

LOU: That’s what I thought. You two don’t even watch the games, do you?

JIM: I had a few errands-

JOHN: I caught part of the recap on Comcast-

Lou slams his fist down on the desk, rattling the glass and bottle.

LOU: Enough!

Jim and John look at each other nervously.

LOU: God damnit! Do you realize I’m still playing Mark DeRosa out there? Jacque Jones? Cesar Izturis?

JIM: Who?

LOU: Cesar f@#$ing Izturis!

JIM: Never heard of him.

Lou sweeps his arm across his desk, knocking off the glass, the bottle, and the magazine.

LOU: This is what I’m f@#$ing talking about! You assholes are asleep at the wheel!

JOHN: That’s the True Value wheel, brought to you in part by Square D, part of the power at Wrigley Field.

LOU: What the-

JOHN: Square D.

Lou turns to Jim.

LOU: What the f@#$ is this guy talking about?

JIM: He sold the right to use the word “wheel.”

LOU: Why in the name of sweet merciful f@#$ would he do that?

JIM: Because we’re hiring Chip Caray back.

LOU: What!?

JOHN: Chip Caray. He’s going to come back, and he’s always saying things like, “Theriot wheels and fires.” Or, “I hope you brought your wheels so you can pick up the check.” Or, “My favorite band to masturbate to is Stealers Wheel.” Extra revenue, Lou. Extra revenue.

LOU: For what!?

JOHN: Well, for Chip Caray’s salary, of course.

LOU: But why-

JIM: That’s not important. What’s important is why you brought us here.

LOU: Yes. Massive changes need to be made to this team. MASSIVE.

JOHN: For your use of the word “massive,” that’s another two hundred dollars that will be contributed to the Daryle Ward Foundation for Fat Children.

LOU: I f@#$ing hate you.

JOHN: And for that insult, Sears is going to make a donation-

LOU: Stop! Just f@#$ing stop. Look, I’ve done everything I could with this team. They don’t listen. They don’t care. They don’t know shit about the game of baseball. I’m done.

JIM: You’re-

LOU: Done. I’m done with this team. I can’t stand it anymore. This team makes my sack itch, it’s giving me ulcers, and my hair is falling out. I’m drowning my liver in booze, I can’t stop beating my wife, and every time I do my laundry I see more skid marks than there are in that stupid f@#$ing fat bitch Rachel Ray’s commercial.

JIM: What are we supposed to do?

LOU: I don’t give a monkey penis with AIDS what you do.

Lou stands up to leave. John mouths to Jim, “Do we need to pay for a new manager?” Jim shrugs.

JOHN: Lou, wait.

Lou pauses.

LOU: What?

JOHN: We’d like you to stay.

LOU: Why should I?

John and Jim look at each other.

JIM: Because I’ll get you A-Rod.

LOU: Whaaaaaat!?

JIM: A-Rod. His image in New York is going to take a beating, his boyfriend Jeter is going to be jilted. I’ll- I’ll make some calls.

LOU: Really?

JIM: Really. Feel better?

LOU: A little.

JIM: Want to go get an ice cream at Baskin-Robbins?

John shakes his head emphatically at Jim.

JIM: I mean Oberweis. Oberweis. We lost the Baskin-Robbins account.

LOU: I guess an ice cream would be good. Can I get jimmies?

JIM: You sure can, champ.

LOU: Chocolate syrup?

JIM: Whatever you want.

LOU: Can I kill Rothschild, Eyre, Ohman, Howry, Izturis, DeRosa, Jacque, and Barrett?

JIM: We’ll see, Lou. We’ll see.

==END TRANSCRIPT==