I have a choice between watching the game and doing the Roundup. I think I’m choosing wisely. I told Trammell to walk out to the mound at some point and scream, “Throw f@#$ing strikes!” so we should be covered. F@#$ you, bullpen.

• The gentlemen-scholars at Thunder Matt’s Saloon eviscerate Roger Clemens and Brett Favre in the same post. If you’re not reading TMS, you’re a Guillen. There, I said it.
• Commissioner Gordon has finally f@#$ing lost it, as he spends an entire article arguing with himself about who is going to win the Crosstown Series. I’ll tell you right now who’s going to win. Those shitheads selling the “Cubs Suck” shirts on one side and the “Sox Suck” shirts on the other.
• The Commish’s second article of the day has my priorities listed as follows: 1. Get Derrek Lee healthy. 2. Fix the bullpen and get some pitching depth. Idiot. Here are my real priorities for the coming weeks: 1. Get drunk enough to forget I manage the Cubs. 2. Get wife drunk enough to forget which hole it goes in. 3. Kill Larry Rothschild.
• Gordon’s third article of the day is about Barrett decking that asshole catcher from the Sox. My advice to Wittenmeyer. If you’ve already written two Cubs articles for the day, before you just start writing fluffy “filler,” go ahead and turn off your laptop. Unless you’re really itching to level your troll ass up in Warcraft.
• Drama queen Chris DeLuca writes about the Crosstown Series being dramatic. Not as dramatic as the time that DeLuca stole Wittenmyer’s date to the prom. Did I mention that Wittenmyer’s date was a six-foot submarine sandwich? Ooooo! Drama!
• Chicago’s asshole-iest sports talk show hosts won’t leave Ron Santo alone for a comment he made on Mother’s Day. Good thing Santo’s too nice a guy to keep bringing up that time that Boers accidentally yelled on the air, “Don’t ever stop f@#$ing me, Bernstein! I like it in my love hole!” Good thing Santo’s too nice for that.
• When the going gets tough for this team, I’m just going to keep reminding you about what a shithead Baker was.

Jesus, it’s already the 7th inning and we’re down 3-1. Eat my ass, Guillen. But take a f@#$ing shower before you do it. Greaseball. Have a nice Crosstown Series weekend, jerkwads. I know I’m going to hate this, but that doesn’t mean you have to.

-Sweet Uncle Lou