If this entry doesn’t lead to some serious discussion, I don’t know what will. There were so many crappy Cubs pitchers who threw for the Cubs during the 1990s, I would have needed a separate B126 just for them and the crappy third basemen since Ron Santo. Since these guys are for all intents and purposes the same person, let’s just get them all together at once with a mean nickname, a hopefully unflattering picture, and an insulting limerick summing up their Cubs career. Perhaps we can one day put the poems to song! Also, perhaps not.
Certainly, this collection of guys together caused you more misery than any one person the the B126, but that wouldn’t be fair to the top 22 to gang up like that. These guys get one collective Low Point, and I think you probably already know what it is. Go ahead. Skip down and nod knowingly, even if you were wrong. I won’t tell.
Willie “Have an ERA Over Fifteen? Yep. Take it to the” Banks
Banks ruined the name of a Cubs ace.
As the ball on a tee he would place.
As Ernie would say,
“Let’s play two today,
“But if Banks is pitching, let’s get shitfaced.”
Steve “Way Off” Trachsel
Pack a lunch when Steve Trachsel is pitching.
By the fifth, your stomach will be bitching.
The “Human Rain Delay,”
Was slow when he played,
While to hit, opposing batters were itching.
Mike “Less is Not Always” Morgan
Morgan pitched ten years past his prime.
And came back to the Cubs one more time.
He sucked in time one,
Time two was no fun,
Expect time three in aught nine.
Kevin Foster “Australian for Crap”
Kevin Foster found it hard,
To keep the baseball in the yard.
He was from Evanston,
Which I’m sure was great fun,
To collect all those bombs in his backyard.
“Up” Chuck Crim
He went by the name of Chuck Crim.
When he came in, the outlook was grim.
He’d give up the lead,
Just as quick as could be,
As the Wrigleyville hope would grow dim.
Jim “Hit The” Bullinger
As a starter, Jim was no prize.
He walked too God damn many guys.
That’s the best they could do,
Starting in ninety-two,
And now old Jim’s serving fries.
Frank “Why Couldn’t His Right Arm Have Been in A” Castillo
Once Frank almost threw a no-hitter.
Then, his pitching went straight down the shitter.
He sucked for the Sox,
The Fish, and the Rocks,
And retired in oh-five. What a quitter!
Jose “Can You See? You Can? Well, You Might Want to Cover Your Eyes for This Start” Guzman
Guzman had an average career,
So the Cubs locked him up for four years.
He pitched only two,
And those were were both poo.
He gave Cubs fans little to cheer.
Danny “Boy, The Summer’s Gone, and All the Flowers are Dying” Jackson
Jackson was great for the Reds.
But Cubs fans wanted him dead.
That sounds mean as hell,
He was swapped for Buechele,
A last “Screw you, Cubs!” Danny said.
Dave “Mr. and Mrs.” Smith
Dave Smith’s long locks sure did flow,
As save after save he did blow.
After bringing the tears,
He was gone in two years,
Too bad he was two years too slow.
Dan “Que Sera,” Serafini
Serafini was bought on a whim.
The kid with the one golden limb.
He did not rock the nation,
And a radio station,
Actually thought that a blogger was him.
Andrew Lorraine “You’re My Density”
Every five days came Andrew Lorraine.
He made Cub fans pray for rain.
He entered the fray,
With a six ERA.
Even dead, I would rather have Sain.
Dave Otto “His Mind”
Dave was a dud on the mound,
But worse is the way his voice sounds.
He says things like “FOSH,”
Without any panache,
Which, for making this list, that is grounds.
Bob “Now Selling Copiers That” Scanlan
I’ll say one thing for Scanlan, he tried.
But he’s where many good Cubs saves died.
When he pitched with a lead,
Many Cubs fans agreed,
That his sorry arm was just fried.
Micah “Rain” Bowie “Connection”
Micah Bowie’s a good Christian guy.
It’s his pitching that made us roll eyes.
He’s now with the Nats,
If you needed proof that,
His God has forgotten him. Why?
“Nothing Can Stop Me Except Tiny, Microscopic” Geremi Gonzalez
He once spelled his name with a “J.”
But we weren’t fooled anyway.
Spelled right or wrong,
He pitched like a dong,
Hope you had fun in Tampa Bay.
Mike Harkey “The Herald Angels Sing”
Mike Harkey was fragile as china.
He thought every pang was angina.
He paved the way,
For Prior, they say.
Who knew that they both had vaginas?
Anthony Young “At Heart, But Not at Cholesterol Level”
Young lost twenty-seven in a row.
An MLB, all-time low.
Some said it was luck,
I just say that he sucked.
Where the hell did this guy learn to throw?
Daniel Garibay “Nn of My Existence”
Dan was a lefty from Mexico.
Who wanted to be like Fernando.
He traded his cash,
For a brand-new mustache,
Since his made him look like el Tuco.
Low Point: Simple. The first fourteen games of the 1997 season, of which the Cubs won zero. How can you go nearly three turns through the rotation without collecting a single win? You practically have to be trying to be that bad. It always boggled my mind that it would have taken a fifteen-game winning streak just to get the team over .500. The Cubs were nine games out of first place before they even won a single game in 1997. That’s some astonishingly bad baseball thanks, in no small part, to many of the Cubs pitchers of the 90s.
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