If Freddie Bynum has one redeeming quality (and, in case you’re wondering, he doesn’t), it’s that he’s light enough and buck-toothed enough to be used as an infield rake.

The Cubs inexplicably traded pitcher John Koronka to the Texas Rangers as part of a three-way deal which brought Freddie Bynum from the Oakland Athletics to the Cubs just before the start of the 2006 reason. No, wait. There was a splick offered. In the words of Dusty Baker, “Speed doesn’t slump, dude.”

Speed doesn’t slump, indeed. Speed also doesn’t help you get to first base, field the ball, pay your orthodontist bills, or keep you off The Bottom 126.

Speed does, on the other hand, get you into Dusty Baker’s lineup. Right there at the top of the lineup, in fact. That way, you’re sure to get into 71 games and collect 136 at-bats as a Cub. Dusty had to have loved this guy. Bynum was never clogging up the bases by drawing walks, as he had only 9 of them as compared to his 44 Cub strikeouts. In fact, you were more likely to see Bynum used to unclog a toilet than you were to see him clog up a base in 2006.

The precious few times Bynum actually did reach base, he kept Dusty happy by getting himself off the base as soon as possible. Bynum was caught stealing 33% of the time he attempted to swipe a bag, a terrible number for a so-called “speed guy.”

But the truly staggering thing about Dusty continually putting Bynum in the lineup was that Bynum’s defense was the worst part of his game. If you’re going to survive as one of those fast utility guys in the Major Leagues, you’d better be damn sure you bring your glove. Bynum brought his glove, but it was made of buttered stone, as he committed seven errors in limited playing time for the Cubs. Defensive whipping boy Todd Walker had that same number, but played a hell of a lot more innings than Bynum, many of those at a position unfamiliar to him.

“Fast Freddie Bynum” also collected a choice number of nicknames on the Desipio message board in his brief time as a Cub. My two favorites were “Piano Keys” and “FFFFB,” which I believe stood for some form of “Fast F@#$ing Freddie F@#$ing Bynum.”

The Cubs mercifully ended Bynum’s tenure after the 2006 season, sending Bynum to Baltimore for a player to be named later. I don’t recall the PTBNL ever actually being named, and I don’t think anyone in the Cubs’ organization really noticed or cared.

Low Point: September 12, 2006. Sure, the Cubs ended up winning this game in 11 innings against the Dodgers at Wrigley Field. Sure, Bynum went 2-3 and even contributed an RBI. But this game could have been over in the ninth inning but for Bynum’s awfulness. In the first inning, with the bases loaded and one out, Bynum botched a potential inning-ending, double-play ground ball, allowing the second run of the inning to score. The very next play, Bynum had a chance to make amends, as another ground ball was hit to shortstop Ronny Cedeno. Cedeno flipped to Bynum on the second base bag for one out. Bynum proceeded to airmail the throw to the gigantic Derrek Lee, allowing another two runs to score on his second error of the inning. Bynum wasn’t done yet, though. In the top of the second inning Dodgers pitcher Derek Lowe hit a routine pop-up to Bynum. Bynum f@#$ed that one up, too, dropping the ball and allowing Lowe to reach on Bynum’s third error of the game. On cue, Rafael Furcal homered the next at-bat. It would have been a solo shot but for Bynum’s error. That is four runs that Bynum cost the team and starter Sean Marshall by not even being a remotely competent fielder. Bynum also had a play later in the second inning on a ball hit by J.D. Drew that could have easily been an error. Drew hit a grounder to Bynum which Bynum relayed to Lee, pulling Lee off the bag. The hometown scorer ruled the play a hit, but it could have easily gone down as Bynum’s fourth error in two innings. The Cubs won the game 9-8 in 11 innings, but one can’t help but think that, but for Bynum, the game should have been an 8-4 Cubs win in 9 innings.

Did You Know? Bynum is another “Junior” on the list, going by the full name Freddie Lee Bynum, Jr. He has his father’s eyes and his mother’s teeth. His mother was a horse.