Remember that one scene from The Rock where the dude from Out for Justice and the dude from Con Air are trying to convince Sean Connery to help them break into Alcatraz to stop the dude from The Abyss and the dude from The Green Mile from firing V.X. gas rockets at the city from the Rice-A-Roni commercials?

And remember how Connery somehow uses a quarter he stomps into a razor-sharp cutting device with his chair to cut through the security glass, and he smashes into that surveillance room, and the dude from L.A. Law (who originally locked up Connery and threw away the key) is in there, and Connery says, “Womack! Why am I not surprised? You piece of shit!” You don’t? Well, here it is. In Spanish.

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I said that exact line at my television all 101 times that Tony Womack came to bat in a Cubs uniform. Why was I not surprised to see Womack? Because Dusty Baker had proven that he absolutely loved to pencil no-hit, overrated-glove, hideous-facial-hair guys into his lineup. And what a piece of shit Womack was.

The Cubs traded for Womack in August of their 2003 playoff push, after even the horrendous Colorado Rockies said, “Okay. That’s enough, Tony.” I can only assume that the Cubs picked up Womack to fill in for the injured Mark Grudzielanek. I guess they forgot that they had Ramon Martinez on the team already.

Womack was awful, and if you expected anything but horrendous baseball out of him, you are a silly, silly person. When Womack was with the Pirates and the Diamondbacks, he was good for one thing, and one thing only: stealing bases. By the time he got to the Cubs, he could no longer steal bases. Ergo, he was good for nothing. He hit .235 with a paltry .250 OBP and he slugged pi. But that’s all blah, blah, blah.

He knows why he’s here, and you know why he’s here. His annoying-ass batting stance. That’s right. I’m that superficial. Tony Womack is the reason EA Sports had to invent the stupid-ass “Crouched” batting stance in MVP 2005. But no matter how far Womack bent over and tried to distract me with his waggling bat, he couldn’t prevent me from hating him.

Please don’t get me started on Womack’s helmet. Good God, I know it has to be tough to keep a helmet on when your skull looks like this,
but come on! When his helmet wasn’t flying off his head as he was trying to beat out a ten-hopper to second base, it was falling over his eyes when he was swinging and missing at a slider outside of the strike zone. If I had Womack’s hairline, I’d hot glue a helmet to my head.

The Cubs let Womack go after the 2003 season. In case you haven’t completely blotted out the memory of last season, Womack was actually back for Round Two with the Cubs, a 19-game, 50-at-bat during which he was, predictably, terrible. Remember? When Jim Hendry decided that what the team needed was 65 bad second basemen on the roster? Neifi, Bynum, Walker, Cedeno, Hairston, and Womack? Those were good times.

Oh, and guess which team signed Womack right before he went on to have the best year of his career in 2004? F@#$ you sideways with your own wide-ass head, Womack.

Low Point: August 23, 2003. Okay, there is no way Womack wasn’t on drugs during this game against the Diamondbacks in Arizona. After singling to left in the first inning, Womack proceeds to get picked off first base by Miguel Batista. Fortunately for Womack, Shea Hillenbrand can’t catch the ball, so Womack makes it to second base. Moises Alou whiffs, and Batista intentionally walks Sammy Sosa. With two outs and runners on first and second, Randall Simon grounds an infield single to second, and Womack gets thrown out at the plate trying to get away from the giant purple spiders chasing him score from second on an infield single. Shawn Estes and Antonio Alfonseca join forces to lay a giant turd on the mound, and the Cubs lose the game 13-2.

Did You Know? Womack was the guy who doubled off Yankees closer Mariano Rivera to tie the game in the bottom of the 9th inning of Game Seven of the 2001 World Series, setting up Luis Gonzalez’s game-winning single. I’m sure you probably did know that, but isn’t it fun remembering times when the Yankees lose?