Hire Jim Essian

CHICAGO--The Chicago Cubs gathered prior to Wednesday's game against the Florida Marlins for a "players-only" meeting. In a surprising decision, the players unanimously agreed to get shutout by the Marlins 9-0 on a day that the wind was howling out of Wrigley Field. "The Marlins have a lot of young players who could use a boost of confidence," Cub first ... Read More

There is a reason the Cubs haven't won anything in nearly a century of baseball. If you said, "Because of a goat!" "Because of the black cat!" or "Because of Steve Bartman!" go dunk your gonads in a beaker of hydrogen fluoride. We'll wait. Done? Hurt, didn't it? You deserved it. There is nothing magical or ... Read More

As promised, HJE! stayed on top of the coverage of the meeting among Cubs manager Lou Piniella, general manager Jim Hendry, and interim president John McDonough. Since HJE!'s very own Sweet Uncle Lou was a part of the meeting, we were able to obtain a transcript of the meeting. JIM HENDRY and JOHN McDONOUGH enter the office of LOU PINIELLA. ... Read More

Lou Piniella sat down with John McDonough and Jim Hendry for two hours prior to tonight's game. What were they talking about? The idiots at the Score think Piniella wants to quit. Piniella was actually probably just trying to avoid the idiotic questions asked of him on The Ron Santo Show. When he finally spoke to the media, ... Read More

You know, I went to the Dominican Republic on my honeymoon. We stayed in La Romana, the birthplace of pitcher Antonio Alfonseca. It's too bad that my honeymoon didn't take place around July 16, 1971. That would have been right around the time that Mr. Alfonseca was laying it to Mrs. Alfonseca and conceiving their son, "El ... Read More

Yeah, this team blows like all the other ones before it. Go ahead. Let 'er rip in the comments. Who should be cut? Who should be traded? Who should be fired? Who should be skinned alive and rubbed with seasoned salt? ... Read More

When it became clear that Corey Patterson was no longer welcome with the Cubs, they were in need of a superstar center fielder. When they couldn't find one, they settled on Juan Pierre. Pierre brought his undeserved reputation for being a good base stealer, his complete lack of power, his rag arm, and his idiotic McDonald's commercial with ... Read More

The other night, I thought I was Hancock-drunk, because the ground wouldn't stop moving. Turns out there are f@#$ing cicadas everywhere? What the hell is that all about? I've been catching them and giving them names like Eckstein, Giles, Izturis, and Rothschild's Penis. So, yesterday I plugged some of our statistics into my computer and my computer came ... Read More

As you can see, the Bottom Ten Cubs of My Time are on deck. Due to the extra effort that is going to be required for these entries, as well as the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, here is the planned schedule: #10: Tuesday, May 29 #9: Wednesday, May 30 #8: Thursday, May 31 #7: Friday, June 1 #6: Monday, ... Read More

There have been times in my life when I have a thought so disturbing, violent, and horrific that I'm actually frightened that my human brain is able to come up with such a depraved image. Do you think it's coincidence that it only happens when someone mentions the name "Shawn Estes"? Maybe it was because the Cubs had better options ... Read More