Hire Jim Essian

Why the hell would I write when the actual season starts? That's not when people want to read about baseball! I know you bastards missed me, but I've been busy trying to figure out whose ass I want to chew out first. Shit, I have a lot of catching up to do, starting with this ridiculousness. That's the ... Read More

The only thing that prevents me from moving Roberto Novoa higher up this list is that, frankly, he terrifies me. I'm pretty sure that if I look directly at Novoa, he will swallow my soul. Fortunately, I automatically look away every time Novoa pitches. Before the 2005 season, the Cubs thought it would be a good idea to trade their psychotic, ... Read More

How come every time the Cubs tell me they have a young prospect who is going to be "the next best thing" I grab my giant soup spoon and lap it up like an asshole? Every. F@#$ing. Time. Seriously. Whose fault is that? Mine? Theirs? Do I need therapy? I feel like Charlie ... Read More

During the arduous haphazard process that went into compiling this list, I had to look back on some really miserable numbers. One guy whose numbers I didn't realize were quite as terrible as they actually were was Todd Wellemeyer. The Cubs' "closer of the future" had two problems: he couldn't get anyone out, and he never remembered to take his ... Read More

Sorry this took me so long, punks. I was at the blackjack table from 8:00 last night until 6:30 this evening. I could barely see at dinner. Steve Lyons says: Hey Amigo! Dude, how long have you been carrying this condom around in here? cubsfaninfla says: What do you think are the main differences between you and your predecessor? Oh there are a lot. ... Read More

Happy Opening Day. It's okay to watch tonight's game, even if you're just watching it to root for a blimp tragedy accident. R.I.P., Steve. ... Read More