BIRMINGHAM, Ala.–At the end of Spring Training, Iowa Cubs pitcher Mark Prior was indignant that he did not make the Cubs’ 25-man roster. Prior’s sarcastic comments that he would try to make the Futures Game did not endear him to many Cubs fans already put off by Prior’s “Golden Boy” image and privileged attitude.

Today, Dr. James Andrews of Birmingham, Alabama, will get to do what many of Prior’s former fans have long dreamed: he will cut Prior wide open in the guise of an exploratory arthroscopic surgery on Prior’s pitching shoulder.

“I’m going to enjoy it,” Andrews said prior to the surgery. “I was hand-picked by Lou [Piniella] to perform the surgery. It’s odd, because I’m a chiropractor, but Lou said he wanted me and no one else to do the sugary- I mean surgery,” Andrews said as he bent to tie his shoe, his hands trembling violently with the effort.

“I’ve been reading up on the procedure,” Andrews continued, the smell of liquor on his breath palpable. “I’m learning all sorts of new things. For example, did you know that the human shoulder is what experts call a ‘ball-and-socket’ joint as opposed to a ‘hinge’ joint?” Andrews asked, while referencing a trifold pamphlet. “That blew me away!”

Andrews will not be performing the surgery in what traditionalists might call an “operating room.” Rather, per Piniella’s request, the surgery will be conducted on the back of a flatcar while it is hurtling at speeds in excess of 100 m.p.h. at 2:30 a.m. through a thunderstorm. The train will be driven by guest conductor Tony LaRussa, who will take the train on a path through the area surrounding U.S. Cellular Field in Chicago. The train will have a confederate flag bumper sticker on the back, will be painted Cubs blue, and there will be a cross burning on the flatcar to light Andrews’ way.

Andrews is thrilled to have been chosen to perform the procedure. According to Andrews, “This could be a huge first step at getting my medical license back.”