F@#$ this past weekend.

After the jokers on this team almost hit into a triple play on Friday, the second out of the 9th inning was a caught stealing on a walk? Really? I’ve never seen anything like that, and I’ve seen a guy shove two quarters down a stripper’s throat and pull a can of Pepsi out of her ass.

Then, I’m watching our Saturday game from the clubhouse on F@#$s- sorry- Fox, and they cut out our game to show one of Bitch Tits’s at-bats? Hey, Fox? No one in the Midwest gives a rat’s dick about the Yankees and Red Sox, and I certainly don’t care to watch the at-bats of a guy whose lips are almost as purple as Selig’s. That wasn’t the half of it, though. They used the f@#$ing sound from the Yankees-Sox game. To recap, on the television at one time were the following: the St. Louis Cardinals, the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox, Joe Buck, and Tim McCarver. Why doesn’t Rupert Murdoch just drive to my house, put a bullet in my head, and f@#$ the ensuing hole?

Okay, fine, though. Bitch Tits is on a tear. I get it. I don’t remember Poo Holes getting this treatment last April, or Sosa getting it in his twenty-homer month of June, but I understand that Bitch Tits is off to a great start. Why the f@#$, though, did Fox cut away to a meaningless Jason Giambi at-bat in the seventh inning? It’s not the f@#$ing playoffs, assholes, and even if it were, you can bet your ass I still wouldn’t give a shit.

In conclusion, I hate Fox.

So, the last I heard, Poo Holes’ homer was boarding a bus in Evanston headed toward Winnetka. Anyone see where it ended up?

Losing two completely winnable games at home to the Cardinals is killing Ron Santo. Hell, it has me so disoriented, I can’t even find my way around the ballpark. Seriously, I couldn’t find the pisser the other day, so I just whizzed into the Gatorade jug. I have a feeling Yosh is going to be pretty upset when he finds out.

Ron has to relax, though. The way I see it, you can break the season into ten, 16-game segments. Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, you can break it into sixteen, 10-game segments. Or, you can break it into two, 81-game segments. Or, you can break it into 162, one-game segments. But what I’d really like to do is break Wade Miller into 162 segments.

In case you’re an idiot and you haven’t heard yet, I’m moving Soriano back to left field. I’d like to move Cedeno to Iowa, Cherry (and eventually Guzman) to Chicago, and Ohman and Miller to the center of an active volcano, but I guess we’ll see what Hendry decides tonight.

From the “Who f@#$ing cares?” department. I like how the headline says the latest setback has Wood “scratching his head.” Don’t scratch it too hard, Kerry. You’re liable to tear all the ligaments in your elbow.

Well, I have to get ready for the ass-ramming the Brewers are planning on putting on us tonight. Not only do these cheese-eating assholes own us, but now they’re going to be licking their chops to beat up on Zambrano. Little do they know that I get first shots on Mr. 7.77 ERA.

-Sweet Uncle Lou