Sweet Uncle Lou’s Diary: April 18, 2007
God, that game sucked. I sat there for 14 f@#$ing innings smelling Trammell’s Old Style farts for nothing. When I got home, I had to cheer myself up by watching this video sixty-eight times.
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There are precious few things better in life than watching one frat boy blob of shit have his beer dumped all over his disgusting whale of a stomach, only to have his androgynous frat boy friend get wanged in the face mere seconds later by a giant piece of pizza, all while their closeted homosexual third friend grins through his absurdly capped teeth. Bonus points for them all being Sawx fans.
I don’t get why the tub of goo was all pissed off about having a piece of pizza thrown at him, though. I thought for sure he’d be diving after that thing like it was Aaron’s 755th home run ball, gobbling it straight off the ground before licking the sauce off his buddy’s shoulder. I also enjoyed watching the guy who got hit try to pick a fight with the pizza-thrower while his girlfriend was cleaning him off. Seriously, guy, she just spit on a napkin and is using it to wash you like a mother cat might bathe her young. You can’t possibly look tough right now. The only way you could look like more of a Prior, in fact, is if you were drinking from a straw at the same time. Good stuff. The only way that clip could be better would be if there was nudity.
It’s so typical of Sawx fans to be so obsessed with being bigger “lovable losers” than the Cubs that they invented their own Bartman clip. I wish someone would have wanged that Bartman kid in the face with a piece of pizza. Yep. A scalding hot piece of pepperoni and deadly scorpion pizza.
So, everyone’s screaming “curse” because of the Soriano injury, which is just a hamstring strain, like it’s going to be real f@#$ing hard to replace that .288 OBP in the leadoff spot and that ONE f@#$ing RBI. Oh, wait. Pie already matched his RBI total. He also scored a run and cut down Russell Branyan on a throw so perfect that Barrett didn’t even have time to think his way into an error. Take your time getting back, Alf.
I told you earlier that Friday’s tantrum was nothing. Griffey knows. Ask him, if you can catch him before he makes his annual trip to the DL.
Some f@#$ing hack comedian takes time out of his day of writing “witty” shit on a beat-up old notepad that he keeps in the back pocket of his torn jeans to tell me what’s wrong with my team. Don’t quit your night job, dickhead. I’m sure eventually that stony, angry silence in the seedy, smoke-filled basement club you’re working for the cost of the cover and two drinks will eventually turn into peals of laughter. And if it doesn’t, just drop your pants.
Editor’s Note: On one serious note, I didn’t realize that Piniella’s son played football at Virginia Tech for three years. Obviously, that doesn’t make the horrible event of this week any more tragic than it already was, but I think it makes it somewhat more appropriate for the HJE community to send out its prayers to the families and loved ones of the victims. Be sure to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you every day. Hell, do it several times a day.
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CT
StPatrick
PenFoe
BigFlax
Bocaj
Who is this “Kerry Woods” of whom this Steve Hofstetter speaks?
I love you Kermit. There, I said it.
300 million and the Cubs are still in last place. Imagine if they didn’t spend the money.
Ha ha! Nice catch, Kerry. Didn’t even notice that. F@#$ing hack.