Before you ask, no, I don’t give a shit what Ryan Dempster has done so far this year. I also don’t give a shit about Dempster’s “brilliant” 2005 season. I. Cannot. Stand. Ryan. Dempster.

He’s not funny enough to be a comedian, he’s not talented enough to be a closer, and he’s sure as hell not stealthy enough to be a ninja.

Dempster’s 33-save season had two things going for it: smoke and mirrors. Dempster was putting guys on base at a ridiculous rate for a closer, and getting lucky enough to still convert the saves. Dempster’s WHIP between 2005 and 2006 didn’t change dramatically, but his luck did. The saves Dempster converted in 2005 turned into blown saves and losses in 2006.

I’m offended far more by Dempster as a comedian than as a closer, however. I don’t know how they do comedy in Canada, but here in the States, Dempster is about as funny as a 1-0 loss to the Reds when you only allowed 2 hits all game. You just know that Dempster has a “joke trunk” filled with whoopee cushions, fake vomit, and that gum that turns your mouth black when you chew it.

I’m not buying it, hack, no matter who else is. I’m also not buying you as a Major League closer. That said, you’d better be flawless this year. If you blow a save for Ted Lilly, he is going to open up one of your arteries.

Low Point: Dempster was awful in 2006, particularly in a late August series against the Pittsburgh Pirates last year. The Cubs were trying to put some distance between them and the Pirates. Dempster certainly didn’t help. Dempster came on in the first game in the bottom of the 8th with the Cubs already behind 9-6. After a strikeout, Dempster gave up 4 straight singles, the last two driving in a run each. By the time Dempster was done, the Cubs were behind 11-6. That was how the score stayed. Dempster came on in the bottom of the 11th inning of the second game, trying to save a 6-5 Cubs lead. After a groundout, Dempster gave up two hits and a run-scoring fielder’s choice to blow the save. After an intentional walk to load the bases, Dempster walked in the winning run. Cubs lose, 7-6. Dusty Baker inexplicably went to Dempster again in the 10th inning of a 7-7 game the next day. Dempster pitched a scoreless 10th before the Cubs rallied for 2 scores in the top of the 11th, setting Dempster up for the win. What does Dempster do? Gives up 3 runs in the bottom of the 11th, including a bases-loaded, 2-run walkoff single by Freddy Sanchez to lose the game. The Cubs lose 10-9, and get swept in the three-game set, including the final two extra-innings losses. Screw you, Carrot Top.

Did You Know? Dempster does a poor impression of Will Ferrell doing a Harry Caray impression. He’s so hilarious!

[gv data="Qk7CX1Ne4nQ"][/gv]