MILWAUKEE–If the Cubs’ early-season bullpen struggles concerned manager Lou Piniella this week, they are going to trouble him much more this Sunday, when Jesus Christ, a long-suffering Cubs fan, returns.

Christ is reportedly upset about not only the poor performance of the bullpen, but also some of Piniella’s early-season managerial decisions.

Me, this team sucks.“I know they’re 2-2, but it’s been pretty tough to watch so far,” Christ said, his face glowing with the radiant light of Creation. “Why the h-e-double hockey sticks did he pull Marquis so early the other day? He was pitching great! Remind me, by the way, to talk to Marquis. I think he made a deal with Satan that I couldn’t stop in time.”

Christ appreciated Piniella’s “conference” with Cubs closer Ryan Dempster, suggesting that He himself would have said something similar to Dempster after he walked a batter in the ninth inning with a three-run lead. “I was yelling at our 100″ HDTV in the rec room when Dempster did that,” Christ said excitedly, as flecks of disease-curing spittle flew from his mouth. “When you have a three-run lead with no one on in the ninth thou shalt not walk thine opposing batter!”

“And don’t get me started on Will Ohman,” Christ continued. “Will seems to have forgotten the third of my greatest commandments. The first two are the loving ones, but the third is, ‘Try to not be useless on the baseball diamond.’”

Christ’s concerns were not just limited to the pitching, either. “I love Ronny Cedeno as much as the least of my brothers, but, honestly, he’s pretty close to being the least of my brothers. Why would you pinch-hit for Cliff Floyd, your best bench hitter, with Cedeno? It’s an abomination to mankind. Plus, Floyd’s splits against lefties are even better than Cedeno’s, anyhow. We have Baseball-Reference up in Heaven, so don’t act like Piniella doesn’t have it down here.”

When Christ was asked what he would do differently with the team, He responded, “I would do whatever I could to get Dempster off the roster, and I would get Rocky Cherry up to the big club to close out games. So it is spoken, and so it shall be done.”