Hire Jim Essian

He’s got electric boots, a mohair suit, and he su-huuuuuucked as a Cub. B- B- B- B- Benito Santiago.

Was I the only one who had the feeling that the former Rookie of the Year catcher for the San Diego Padres thought he was too cool to play for the Cubs? Well, I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand by and let a guy with the complexion of Edward James Olmos insult my team.

The Cubs signed Santiago before the 1999 season, mostly because their other options at catcher were Sandy Martinez and Jeff Reed. You know the team has problems when you’d rather have a guy who barely survived a horrific car accident behind the plate than the other two catchers on the roster.

The main problem was that Santiago could not have been less interested in playing for the Cubs. Wait. I guess the main problem is that Santiago allegedly used anabolic steroids. Just because a guy has one season in which he hits 12 homers over his second-best season and also slugs nearly 20 points higher than he ever has in his career, he’s automatically suspected of abusing steroids. That, and his name was specifically mentioned in Book of Shadows. People are so unfair!

Santiago was Jake Taylor by the time he got to the Cubs in 1999. A broken-down veteran catcher with bad knees who only read Moby Dick because he wanted to plow Rene Russo. Santiago is also one of those players who managed to put together his worst year as a full-time player with the Cubs. He was better before putting on the blue pinstripes, and he was better after he was granted free agency at the end of the 1999 season. Good riddance.

Low Point: April 6, 1999. In his first game as a Cub against the Houston Astros at the Astrodome, Santiago is terrible. In his first at-bat in the top of the 2nd inning with the Cubs up 1-0 and a runner on first, Santiago strikes out looking. In the top of the 4th, with the Cubs clinging to a 2-1 lead, Santiago comes up with runners at the corners and 1 out. If you just thought, “I bet he grounded into a double play,” you are smart. He did. The Astros were able to take a 4-2 lead, which was the score going into the 6th inning. With 2 outs and 2 on in that inning, Santiago flies out, ending a potential Cub rally. Oh, and for good measure Santiago struck out swinging against Astros closer Billy Wagner to start the 9th inning. Cubs lose, 4-2.

Did You Know? Santiago has two notable home runs. Guess what? Neither came when he was a Cub. Santiago did, however, hit the first (of two) grand slams ever hit off former Cub Greg Maddux. He also hit the first home run in Florida Marlins franchise history. Maybe he should have stayed in the NL East. Or the NL West. Or the AL. Or with any of the other teams in the NL Central.

TDubbs

Not to mention he got slammed between two cars in Ghost.
TDubbs

AND I hate to admit it, well not really, but I had to look up Edward James Olmos to see who he was. Not only does his skin look like Frankie Coffeecakes’, but he was in that movie where he was a catcher and he somehow snuck on the field for that one inning to catch the phenom he had brought over. I can’t remember the name of the movie, but for some reason I remember it. And the last pitch was so fast that it knocked him over and he had to shake his hand b/c it stung. In slow motion. Good times.
JD

I remember him grounding into a triple play. Me and my college roommate—a Cardinal fan—were about to leave to play some basketball when the cubs got the first 2 guys on. I said that I wanted to watch the cubs score and he said we should go ahead and leave so I didn’t have to watch Santiago ground into a triple play. Right after he said that, Santiago hit one to the third baseman who stepped on third as he caught it, threw it to second, and the relay to first completed a very easy triple play. Yeah. That sucked.
StPatrick

You shouldn’t make fun of his face…I heard he worked in a pineapple factory as a kid, and there was a horrible explosion. I also say Benito should have stayed on the damn juice. How do you willingly go back to sucking?
PudgeRod

people said when I was coming up that I’d be in really good shape if I was as good as Benito. I think I might have proved them wrong… and I think I’m far more handsome. The Cubs should have signed ME when they had the chance
StPatrick

Perhapssssssssss (that’s my devil’s advocate voice, it’s very hissy). Certainly you would have been better than any Cub catcher ever. Certainly you used to have a spectacular arm, and an excellent bat. But your ESPN the Magazine commercials? Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, speaks Spanish in Chicago, so your terrible pronunciation would have never been forgiven. That’s why we have a monosyllabic retard who is almost anything he wants to be. English is his first language, and he’s almost got it down. If he could be almost a combo of Johnny Bench, Yogi Berra, and have your arm from six years ago, he wouldn’t be almost good.
http://thundermatt.blogspot.com Jake

I believe that Edward James Olmos movie was called “Talent For the Game”. I just remember it being on HBO all the time.

These days I hear Benito Santiago spends most of his time learning how to use modern day human tools. Also he doesn’t care for Geico Insurance all that much.
Apex

Man, I still hate Jeff Reed.
BrandonClouatre

Last I heard, Benito is still the only Klingon to ever play baseball. I wonder if Johnny Damon qualifies for that distinction now though?

#49: Benito “And the Jets” Santiago

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