Sweet Uncle Lou’s Diary: April 4, 2007
Why the hell would I write when the actual season starts? That’s not when people want to read about baseball! I know you bastards missed me, but I’ve been busy trying to figure out whose ass I want to chew out first. Shit, I have a lot of catching up to do, starting with this ridiculousness.
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That’s the mayor of Cincinnati “throwing” out the first pitch on Monday. Hoe. Lee. God. That was so bad, I had to double-check to make sure Hendry didn’t sign him in the offseason.
Just so you know, we lost on Monday because we were in a big hurry to get out of Cincinnati. Yeah. Half of my f@#$ing pitching staff and Jacque Jones had an appointment to carry a transvestite down a flight of stairs. I wish those f@#$ers would have fallen.
In case you haven’t heard, the Tribune is selling me! I hope it’s to one of those Russian broads who buy grooms from overseas. I’m still shocked that the rest of the Tribune is going to be owned by Captain Picard. Yeah, I watch Star Trek. F@#$ you.
One good thing about the Tribune getting sold (you know, other than shutting up the bitching Cubs fans saying, “They don’t care about anything but getting people in the stands!”) is that Zambrano extended his deadline to get a deal done with him. I’d like to have Big Z stick around and throw meatballs to Adam Dunn for years and years and years to come. One bad thing about the deal is that the plans for the Wrigley carhold are now in limbo, so you will continue paying $30 for parking and you will f@#$ing like it. Speaking of which, I wonder if Barrett is ever going to figure out that there’s a players’ parking lot.
Ozzie Guillen is still a f@#$ing dickhead. As shitty as Opening Day was for us, damn it was hilarious seeing the box score for that shitbird’s team. 11 runs in the first 3 innings? Eat a dick, Guillen.
What is with this fragile-ass pitching staff? God damn. I hope the new owner invests in some bubble wrap that we can wrap these f@#$ers in when they’re not pitching. Plus, the bubble wrap will keep Barrett entertained on team flights.
Blanco better get his ass back to Cincinnati as soon as he’s done testifying. If I have to put Murton behind the plate, you are going to see my first meltdown of the year. And it’s going to be a good ‘un. Oh, and from the “who f@#$ing cares at this point” department, that article also mentions that Mrs. Prior is going to start the season on the DL. Big. F@#$ing. Shock.
If you’re pissed off at the way the season started for us, click here. And if that doesn’t do it, click HERE. If at first you don’t succeed, root for others to fail worse than you.
Well, I have to get ready for the game. Maybe I’ll sit in the bleachers so I can catch a couple of Dunn’s home run balls. Actually, maybe I better rent a boat.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
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CT
StPatrick
PenFoe
BigFlax
Bocaj
Did she tear her ACL? Happens when you’re on your knees a lot.
In an unrelated story, I’ve had two ACL surgeries.
I’ve caused two ACL surgeries…hmmmm…what does the top of your head look like again?
Anyway, that picture is the biggest clusterfuck of monkey slapdicks I’ve ever seen. Your 2007 Cubs…ass potatoes of MLB.
Dempster looks like a donkey rapist.
Seriously Lou, it was just one game. But if you feel like pulling a Leyland circa ‘06, when he ripped the Tigers to the media after a troubling loss, that would be ok with me.
Maybe he’ll just tackle a reliever like that one manager did a few years ago in Cincinatti. That’d be cool. That team did pretty well, right?
Did they have Jock Jones and Cesar Izturis on that team? If so, I can only assume that team was an unbeatable juggernaut.
Maybe the mayor was trying to hit the bull.
looks like the mayor has been taking some tips from larry
that mayor dude..he is SO my#1 starter when i destroy another team
You play ball like the mayor of Cincinatti.
The voters of Cincinnati are a disgrace. How do you elect a man that can’t throw a baseball? He’s probably a communist. Right now, they probably regret running Jerry Springer out of office over that hooker thing. If Marion Barry can smoke crack, why can’t a fella pay for some strange? It’s strange times we live in, man.