The only thing that prevents me from moving Roberto Novoa higher up this list is that, frankly, he terrifies me. I’m pretty sure that if I look directly at Novoa, he will swallow my soul.
Fortunately, I automatically look away every time Novoa pitches.
Before the 2005 season, the Cubs thought it would be a good idea to trade their psychotic, hard-throwing, #44-wearing, tight pants-staining reliever for another psychotic, hard-throwing, #44-wearing, tight pants-staining reliever. To Detroit went Kyle Farnsworth, and to Chicago came Novoa.
Novoa’s numbers don’t accurately tell the tale of the anxiety attacks Cubs fans get each time he takes the ball. Nor do they show the ridiculous messes that Novoa leaves for his fellow relievers after he leaves a game. Those tightly-coiled, steaming messes.
I, on the other hand, am here to tell you specifically about those messes that Novoa leaves. Novoa is just about the last guy a Cubs fan wants to see warming up in the bullpen of a game in which the deficit is fewer than 6 7 10 runs. In his brief time with the Cubs, Novoa has already made a name for soiling himself in every pressure situation that arises. That name is Brown Spot Bob. Thanks, Desipio.
Low Point: July 7, 2005. Remember when you still thought the 2005 Cubs had hope? Even into late June? The Cubs were 40-36 toward the end of June until they went on an 8-game losing streak which included a sweep at Wrigley by the hapless Nationals followed by a 4-game sweep at the hands of the Braves in Atlanta. In the last game of the Atlanta series, Game 2 of a Thursday doubleheader, Novoa came in to protect a 4-3 lead in the bottom of the 8th inning. Novoa likely would have given up the cycle if he’d actually been allowed to face four batters. Instead, he gave up a triple, homer, and single to the first three Braves he faced before he was pulled in favor of Glendon Rusch. Brian McCann bunted his way on in front of a three-run homer by Jeff Francoeur. Novoa’s line for the inning: 3H 3R 3ER 1HR. What happened in the top of the 9th? Jeromy Burnitz struck out looking, Michael Barrett flew out, and Corey Patterson struck out swinging. Look familiar? Boo.
Did You Know? Remember in 2006 when the Mets scored 85 runs in one inning, including 2 grand slams? Novoa gave up 6 of those runs, including the 2nd grand slam and a 2-run homer. Why isn’t this the low point? Well, Sean Marshall had already relinquished the Cubs’ lead with the first grand slam given up in the inning (to new Cub Cliff Floyd). Novoa was just letting them pile on. Congratulations, Roberto. You did something historic. Historically bad, but historic nonetheless.
