Sorry this took me so long, punks. I was at the blackjack table from 8:00 last night until 6:30 this evening. I could barely see at dinner.

Steve Lyons says:

Hey Amigo!

Dude, how long have you been carrying this condom around in here?

cubsfaninfla says:

What do you think are the main differences between you and your predecessor?

Oh there are a lot. The biggest one is that we speak different languages. I speak Spanish, he speaks idiot.

level5 says:

Why does your closer suck?

I don’t have a closer. l have a stand-up comedian idiot ninja. Christ, how long is my contract again?

At Wit’s End says:

Lou, I�m trying to plan an anniversary party, but my wife is driving me bonkers! First of all, like you, I�m a guy�s guy, so I thought that I could do up some weiners and bradts while sucking down a couple of smooth, frothy cold ones. My wife, God bless her, has more of a sweet tooth, so she�s gunning for muffins and pie. I tell you, you could rub some whip cream on just about anything, and she�d eat it right out of the box. She�s not afraid to get her fingers dirty! My wife is so set in her ways� I wish I could get her to compromise with some fish tacos, but once she�s strapped into one position, it�s impossible to get her to flip around. Lou, what am I going to do with this party? Should I just poop-can the whole thing?

Let’s see. Admission of homosexuality, sexual innuendo, sexual innuendo, sexual innuendo, sexual innuendo. Are you coming on to me?

Concerned says:

Will Alfonso Soriano be issued a large basket/trashcan to catch fly balls in? If not, I�m pretty sure we�re screwed.

We made a butterfly net sort of contraption out of an extra pair of Daryle Ward’s pants. He’ll be fine.

JD says:

Does this look infected?

It’s too small for me to tell.

neifi says:

are you looking for some infield help?

Yep. Please report for work tomorrow at 7:10 p.m. CT. The address is 700 Clark Street, St. Louis, MO 63102.

Slaky says:

Did you ALSO get runny sores from Sarah Spain? Fuck, it hurts to pee.

Runny sores? No. Runny eggs? Yes. That bitch can’t cook breakfast to save her life.

In a nutsack says:

If Train A leaves New Orleans traveling at 120 mph and Train B leaves Denver traveling at 142 mph and Missile X leaves North Korea traveling at 650 mph at a bearing of South 61.11258 degrees East, does that make Mark Prior and Kerry Wood fragile little labias that can�t go a whole damn 3 weeks without getting sand in their vaginas?

Those are some fast mother f@#$ing trains. And the question is a trick one. Prior and Wood aren’t labias, they just have labias. Giant ones. Hang down to their damn knees.

level5 says:

Will Aramis Ramirez duplicate the late inning fly ball off the skull routine often this year?

Yeah, Ramirez has been practicing having balls bounce off his head all spring.

MC Pee Pants says:

Dear Sweet Uncle Lou,

I have three very important questions for you:

1. Why is it that when spaceships take off to go the moon the people inside are facing upwards towards the moon, but when they land they aren�t facing downwards and the spaceship doesn�t land nose first?

2. Say the world gets attacked by aliens/zombies/vampires/werewolves/dolphins. All of humanity is killed off except for you and three lucious ladies. It is now up to you to re-populate the planet. So, who are your three babes of choice?

3. Can you hook me up with some sweet tickets behind the plate. I would like to take the world�s most devoted Cubs fan, Sarah Spain, and some of her hottie friends to a game. I think she really deserves it. Plus I hear she puts out. In the butt.

Thanks ese!

Sincerely,
Baklava Rodriguez

1. The vehicle begins reentry by firing the OMS engines, while flying upside down backside first, in the opposite direction to orbital motion for about three minutes. The resulting deceleration of the Shuttle lowers its orbit perigee down into the atmosphere. The shuttle flips over by pulling its nose up (which then becomes “down” because flying upside down). This OMS firing is done roughly halfway around the globe from the landing site. The entire reentry, except for lowering the landing gear and deploying the air data probes, is then under computer control. However the reentry can be and has (once) been flown manually. The final landing can be done on autopilot, but is usually hand flown.

The vehicle starts significantly entering the atmosphere at about 400,000 ft (120 km) at around Mach 25 (8.2 km/s). The vehicle is controlled by a combination of RCS thrusters and control surfaces, to fly at a 40 degrees nose-up attitude producing high drag, not only to slow it down to landing speed, but also to reduce reentry heating. In addition, the vehicle needs to bleed off extra speed before reaching the landing site. This is achieved by performing s-curves at up to a 70 degree roll angle.

In the lower atmosphere the Orbiter flies much like a conventional glider, except for a much higher descent rate, over 10,000 feet (3 km) per minute. It glides with a ratio of 1:1.[8] At approximately Mach 3, two air data probes, located on the left and right sides of the Orbiter’s forward lower fuselage, are deployed to sense air pressure related to vehicle’s movement in the atmosphere.

When the approach and landing phase begins, the Orbiter is at 10,000 ft (3048 m) altitude, 7.5 miles (12.1 km) to the runway. The pilots apply aerodynamic braking to help slow down the vehicle. The Orbiter’s speed is reduced from 424 mph (682 km/h) to approximately 215 mph (346 km/h), (compared to 160 mph for a jet airliner), at touch-down. The landing gear is deployed while the Orbiter is flying at 267 mph (430 km/h). To assist the speed brakes, a 40 ft (12.2 m) drag chute is deployed once the nose gear touches down at about 213 mph (343 km/h). It is jettisoned as the Orbiter slows through 69 mph (111 km/h).

After landing, the vehicle stands on the runway for several minutes to permit the fumes from poisonous hydrazine, used as propellant for attitude control, to dissipate, and for the shuttle fuselage to cool before the astronauts disembark.

Come on, man. Challenge me.

2. Well, I guess I would want to pick some smart girls, since we would have to repopulate the planet. I don’t want to have to deal with a bunch of idiots running around breaking shit. Ah, f@#$ it. I’ll be dead before they’re old enough to f@#$ shit up, anyhow. Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Rabbit.

3. I’ll see what I can do to get you tickets, but keep in mind that in her group Sarah Spain is NOT “the fat one.”

TDubbs says:

1. Does Rothschild spit or swallow?
2. Does R. Kelly really like to pee on people?

1. Spits. Who the hell would swallow tobacco juice?

2. I’ll tell you what. I’d like to pee on him for wasting my time with that Trapped in the Closet bullshit. Everyone’s f@#$ing everyone and everyone wants to shoot everyone, yet we don’t see ONE titty or one execution? Lame.

In a nutsack says:

Dear Sweet Uncle Lou:

Could Will Ohman be the real-life 40 year-old virgin?

Is The Riot the All-Knowing, master of space, time and dimension?

If Dick Pole, Rocky Cherry and Buck Coats had a kid, would Buck Rocky Dick Cherry Pole be a good enough name? (Note: Rocky Dick Cherry is it�s middle name)

Where do babies come from?

Would you pay good money to watch Zambrano wrestle a T-Rex? If so, who would you bet on? Explain in brief and concise sentences.

Bonus Question:

Do you also find Stephen Hawking incredibly sexy? Do you think Sarah Spain would go that far?

I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ohman must get laid all the time, what with his awesome collection of G.I. Joes. Two words: closet case.

If The Riot was the master of space, time, and dimension, do you really think he’d be behind two scrubs like Cesar Izturis and Mark DeRosa?

If the kid ain’t named Lou, I’m not interested.

Apparently, babies come from USC.

I’d definitely pay good money to see Zambrano wrestle a t-rex, but I’m pretty free with my money. Shit, at the beginning of Spring Training I paid Murton $10,000 to give Barrett a piece of paper with “TURN OVER” written on both sides. Barrett missed TWO F@#$ING PRACTICES with that.

I haven’t really checked out Hawking, but I know for a fact that Spain would do a guy with ALS. I also know it costs $10,000 to watch.

level5 says:

Hey Lou,

Are you going to get us to within 1 arm pit hair of the Pennant like Dusty did? Or is this year going to be worse than that? I just thought of something. You are going to crush my heart and hopes even more than Dusty.

We win the pennant but get swept in the World Series to a crappy 82 win crappy Kansas City Royals (and the White Sox finish the AL Central in last place with a 60-102 record). And in Royal fashion like, with scores of 11-1, 13-0, 15-14, and 1-0.

I gotta go hurl.

Oh, don’t worry Level5. We don’t plan on getting anywhere near a pennant this year. Enjoy!

TDubbs says:

After I eat asperagus, why does my pee smell like asperagus?

Why have two of my questions had to do with pee?

It’s the result of a simple chemical reaction. Asparagus contains a sulfur compound called mercaptan. (It’s also found in rotten eggs, onions, garlic, and in the secretions of skunks.) When your digestive tract breaks down this substance, by-products are released that cause the funny scent. The process is so quick that your urine can develop the distinctive smell within 15 to 30 minutes of eating asparagus.

And because you’re obsessed with cock.

In a nutsack says:

If Alfonso Soriano was left-handed, would his new name be Felix Pie?

No, but I guess his left wrist would be the stronger one in that scenario.

HelloWorld says:

What is the exact value of Pi?

I think he’s going to be a great young center fielder some day. He has all the tools to succeed at the big league level, and he has a great attitude. If he’s not up helping the club this year, I can almost guarantee he’ll be a regular next year. Oh, and your spelling sucks.

StPatrick says:

Skip,

I hate Ozzie Guillen. I know that wasn�t a question, but still�it had to be said.

What active player would you most like to see charge the mound while Z is pitching and why?

Who wins in a fight – Gordon Wittenmeyer or Jay Mariotti?

What�s the girliest drink you�ve ever ordered at a bar?

I agree.

Albert Pujols.

Trick question. Wittenmyer doesn’t have time for fighting while he’s cranking out 85 articles a day.

Funky Cold Medina. That night ended the same way it did in the song. I was not happy.

bocaj says:

If you could kill anyone, consequence free, who would it be? (ryhmed bitch)

How many, and which, body parts would you have amputated to win the WS?

Did you throw discus in high school? cause youz got good form�

Who�s boned more chicks, you or wilt chamberlain?

Who would bet on in a fight, Ozzie on crack (naturally) or Tony L drunk (also naturally)?

If you could change one rule in baseball what would it be, and how?

And finally, can you sign my ass cheek?

Ozzie Guillen.

I’d cut anything off anyone else. Off me? I’d cut my Dutch Boy haircut.

I only threw two things in high school: baseballs and game.

Me. Little did Wilt know, but about 35% of the people he banged were actually dudes.

LaRussa wins be default, as I murdered Guillen in my first answer.

I would change how they warn pitchers to try to prevent a beanball war. Then, I would have my pitchers bean Pujols right in the dick every time he was up. What’s the point of throwing 4 intentional balls when you can just intentionally throw one right at his balls?

Do you want me to sign it above or below the “DO NOT ENTER” tattoo?

CT says:

Are you really going to bat Jock Jones 2nd? Really?

Yeah. Jock is a great, patient hitter who has a lot of value to this team and will probably do a great job working the count and seeing a lot of pitch- Ah, shit. I almost got through that. F@#$, no, I’m not batting him second. I just said that so everyone wouldn’t think that I’m racist.

JOE says:

Any truth to the rumors that you were hired only as a poster figure and that Jim Essian is really the one pulling the strings?

Nope. None whatsoever. The fact that I’m wearing #41 and that Essian used to wear #41 is purely a coincidence, people. And I’m not growing a mustache, no matter what you’ve heard.

Well, I need to get some winks before tomorrow’s game. Also, some beers if this hangover doesn’t go away. Enjoy the game tomorrow, kids.

-Sweet Uncle Lou