Well, kids, Opening Day for us is only four days away. Meaning it’s only four days away for you. Because why the f@#$ would you watch the Mets-Cardinals circle jerk on Sunday, other than to throw beer bottles red wine glasses at LaRussa’s likeness?

So, what’s been going down? You mean other than Mark Prior? Or Kerry Wood’s career? Or Ugueth Urbina on his cellmate? Lots, so let’s get to it.

Looks like some assholes think they’re real f@#$ing cute, impersonating me. I don’t say cocksuckers that much, do I? I will, however, be using “Shitting my dick off” more often from now on.

Hank White got subpoenaed to testify against one of his agents accused of conspiring to smuggle Cuban baseball players into the United States. I’m hoping the word “former” should have been somewhere in that sentence. But, don’t worry. We have a plan. If Barrett gets hurt while Hank is gone, we still have Matt Murton to play catcher. No, really.

So, Wuertz, Cedeno, and Guzman made the team. Pagan and Cherry didn’t. Oh, and Prior. Did I mention Prior already? Yeah, Prior didn’t make the team, either. By the way, we have that special lady friend umping the game today, our last game in Arizona. I’m coming around to the idea. Even though chicks can’t play in the bigs, damn can they ump. Especially if they’re hot and in thongs. I’m also coming around to the idea of getting the hell out of Arizona. It’s so dry here, and Trammell keeps getting nosebleeds. At least, he says it’s from the dryness.

Anyhow, gotta go. I’m going to comb my hair today and throw on some Old Spice. For the lay-hey-hey-dee.

-Sweet Uncle Lou