Hire Jim Essian

Is it too soon to despise cEsAR izturiS? Yes? Well, what if I remind you that ~~the Cubs~~ Greg Maddux traded future Hall of Famer Greg Maddux for Izturis straight up? Not yet? Well, how about the fact that Izturis is horrendous at the game of baseball? Now are you okay with him being #60? Yes? Okay, good.

Cubs fans only got a 22-game dose of Izturis at the end of the 2006 ~~nightmare~~ season. This ended up being a good thing, considering Izturis put up a putrid .233/.282/.260 line in that time. In comparison, whipping boy Ronny Cedeno put up a .245/.271/.339 line over the course of the season. Yes, Ronny Cedeno had a better line than Izturis. Christ, even Neifi Perez has better career numbers than Izturis. And Izturis is a switch hitter, just like Neifi. God, help us all.

Much fuss is made about how Izturis was an All-Star in 2005. He was an All-Star because he was hitting .348 through June 1. So what does it say that he finished the season hitting .257? Well, it means he was putrid after June 1. In fact, Izturis had a .105/.154/.116 in the month of June. That’s a .270 OPS. All-Star indeed.

Izturis would have you believe that he sucked at the end of the 2005 season because of an injured right elbow which eventually forced him to undergo Tommy John surgery. Only the Cubs would go into the 2007 season with a starting shortstop who has undergone Tommy John surgery. The Cubs must have one of those punchcards where, after 10 Tommy John surgeries, the 11th one is free. I bet they keep the card in their wallet next to the one that says after 10 inept, weak middle infielders, the 11th one comes with giant novelty ears.

Izturis was allegedly a fan favorite in Los Angeles, where they apparently value solid baseball as much as they value natural breasts. If Cubs’ fans disdain for Neifi Perez is any indication of how they’ll receive Izturis, I have a feeling he will get a much different reception as the Cubs’ starting shortstop.

Low Point: August 3, 2006. In only his second game as a Cub, Izturis makes a great impression against former Cub Juan Cruz. The Arizona Diamondbacks are in town, and way, way, way better at playing baseball.

cubsfaninfla

This was certainly a surprise. The only active Cub on the B126 so far.
JD

You’re CRAZY. I positive CESAR!
cody

What about ronnie?… he should be comin up soon, right?
JD

I positive CESAR! much more than I positive RonCe.
StPatrick

I’m surprised Cesar got his own spot in the B126. I assumed that he, RonCe, Macias, Ojeda, and every other (s)crappy middle infielder we’ve been subjected to would just be rolled into one superturd, kind of like when the transformers joined together to create one enormous robot. Then, you could just put them in the top ten. This would leave room for more awful outfielders, relief pitchers, and basically 90% of the players we’ve seen roll through town.
StPatrick

Just in case anybody’s watching, Angel Pagan has a spring BA of .182, but an OBP of .357. What’s he doing on this team? Yes, I know his crappy hitting makes him a natural fit, but I thought Hendry had a rule that all Cub players can not get on base at a rate greater than BA + .050. Somebody should tell him you don’t walk your way onto the opening day roster in Chicago. If he can cut down on all those walks, he could really stick with the big club. Actually, next year, when the toothpick has another job, he’ll trade for him. Gotta love guys who swing the bat. Plus, Latin guys are good in the heat.
When I am king, there will be a special spot reserved in a prison camp for Dusty Baker and Joe Morgan. I will chain them to chairs where they’re forced to listen to a guy with a terrible stutter read them passages from “Moneyball” while watching an endless loop of A’s and Twins games. Then I will have them raped repeatedly by a man in a Bill James mask who tracks their screams to find the most efficient way of buggering them. All the while, he will be shouting “There’s nothing clutch about this, bitches! I’m just doing my job consistently, without making the most costly mistakes, such as forgetting to use Icy/Hot as lube or reminding Joe that the Big Red Machine can’t save him from my awful, throbbing evilness!”
Slaky

I positive this St Patrick character.
http://www.ourbookofscrap.com Scrap

While this one was easy, I must commend you guys on the nicknames you have to come up with for each of these players. I can imagine that some of them take longer to come up with than writing the actual story, while others you just get stumped on and say “The hell with it, that’s all I got.” Been there done that. Either way, nice job.
T to E to C

I positive St. Patrick, too.

However, it was Voltron, not the Transformers.
CT

There were Transformers that did that too.
T to E to C

Damn, I’m not self aware at all.
CT

Foshizzle.
JD

Constructicons? Was that it?
Pre

There were several transformers that could do the Voltron thing and combine into a bigger robot.

Izturus sucks, sooo much it’s crazy.

I guess I’m okay with Pagan as a 5th outfielder. He’s cheap, can play all 3 OF positions, is relatively fast to pinch run, and isn’t a total waste with the bat (he’s decidedly mediocre in my book). He’s fine – but in that assy way of saying fine where you mean you expected better.
StPatrick

I positive Big Z. Not because he’s awesome – just because of the first time I saw him. Went to Cinci (shitty park) his rookie year, and my first thought was “That’s the biggest damned Mexican I’ve ever seen!” Later I found out he was Venezuelan, but no matter. This reminded me of the Buscemi scene in desperado where he describes a guy wiping out an entire bar, and says he was “the biggest Mexican I’ve ever seen”. I was in for the long haul.

Also, I was thinking of Voltron. Sue me, I was like 8 years old then.
StPatrick

Some advice to those of you lucky enough to still be in Chicago – don’t ever leave! WGN shows like one game a week now, and when you flip through the on-screen guide, it just says “Major League Baseball”. Sweet! Cubs! Then you press the enter button, and it’s the damned white sox. It’s like getting a Playstation 3 from your aunt for Christmas, then finding bunny pajamas with feet on them in the box.
http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

Or like thinking you’re getting an Xbox 360 for Christmas and ending up getting a PS3. ZING!
StPatrick

I’m still rocking the deuce. Zing away, I deserve it.
JD

I just rocked a deuce…
Pingback: Hire Jim Essian! » Blog Archive » #44: Nomar “Cherry” Garciaparra
Pingback: Hire Jim Essian! » Blog Archive » #25: Jerry “As Annoying as Gum in Your” Hairston, Jr.

#60: “Little” Cesar Izturis

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