Jon Garland, you’re a turd. If you were still in a Cubs uniform, I get the feeling you’d have about 22 career wins, a 6.73 career ERA, and zero World Championships. That’s assuming you wouldn’t still be either in Iowa or under the knife. But, NOOOOOOOO, you’re in a White Sox uniform. You think you’re so cool with your fancy 82 wins and 4.44 ERA and World Series ring.

Well, I knew you back when you were wearing Vance Law glasses, jerkwad! I knew you before you were traded for the eminently crappy Matt Karchner! I knew you when you used to cry yourself to sleep every night in the minors because you were scared and you missed your folks. I knew you when you still thought soul patches “looked lame” and you would never have imagined pitching in front of 30,000 loyal fans 8,000 meth addicts.

Yeah, you may have never pitched in the majors for the Cubs, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t piss me off, Garland. In fact, it was probably easier for you to make The Bottom 126 as a White Sox than it would have been if you’d remained a Cub. The Cubs probably would have broken you long before you gave me enough hope to hate you. Instead, you’re the annoying end of a modern day Brock for Broglio.

Matt freaking Karchner, Jon! Gaaaaaah! You’ve won 18 games twice already in your career, and you’re only going to be 27 this year, and the Cubs got Matt freaking Karchner! I think it’s fair for me to speak for Cubs fans everywhere and to say that we all hate you, Jon. And I’ve got news for you, Mr. Garland. You may think we’re shit now, but we’re going to catch on somewhere, and every time you pitch against us, we’re going to stick it up your f@#$ing ass!

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Low Point: Well, in his last moments as a Cub, Garland’s value was so low, that all the Cubs could get back for him was MATT FREAKING KARCHNER.

Did You Know? Garland has been on an episode of The Bernie Mac Show. Bernie Mac and Jon Garland together. Shoot me now.