You’re a boner-biting bastard, Michael Tucker! Anyone? South Park: The Movie? Bah. I’m not really sure why Michael Tucker pissed me off so much. I guess it could be the fact that he looked absolutely terrified to have a bat in his hands (I bet he got nailed by “two for flinching” EVERY SINGLE TIME). I guess it could be the fact that he was part of the 2001 triple-headed awful centerfielder monster that consisted of Tucker, Sergeant HGH, Jr., and Corey Patterson (really, was there a more redundant position on the roster?) . Or maybe I was really upset that the Cubs gave up Chris Booker and Ben Shaffar for him. Or perhaps he reminded me of the other Michael Tucker. You remember. Stuart from L.A. Law, who looked like he could be Larry Appleton’s dad. Or brother. How old were those guys?

Oh, don’t get me wrong. Michael Tucker wasn’t good. I’m just saying that my hatred for him was disproportionate to how much he sucked.

You remember the 2001 Cubs, right? The year where Sammy Sosa had NINETY-FOUR RBIs more than the second-highest run producer on the team. Oh, and that second-highest run producer was Ricky Gutierrez. Remember? You spent the entire summer praying that Fred Fucking McGriff would come save the team? Only when he finally came over, he blew? Remember? Ron Coomer? Todd Hundley? Ringing some bells?

Yeah, Michael Tucker was on that team. So maybe Tucker suffers more from guilt by association than anything else. Whatever the case may be, here he is, at the sexiest number on The Bottom 126.

Low Point: October 2, 2001. On the day the Cubs were officially eliminated from the Wild Card race by a 5-4 loss to the lowly Reds, Tucker goes 0-4 with a popout to the catcher, a base on an error, a swinging strikeout, and a flyout to center. The Cubs might have still been in playoff contention had Tucker stayed in Cincinnati and been playing for them that day.

Did You Know? According to Wikipedia, Tucker has had two interesting things happen in his baseball career. “Tucker has the final hit of the final game at Milwaukee’s County Stadium, a slow ground ball to the first baseman that wasn’t fielded properly. Tucker hit the first ever home run in Atlanta’s Turner Field.” The description of Tucker’s “hit” in County Stadium just seems fitting, doesn’t it?