It’s a Bottom 126 Monday two-fer! Hire Jim Essian! declares war on the Goodwin boys! Let’s do this alphabetically and chronologically, which just so happens is the same order.

Curtis Goodwin

They took 300 pictures, and this was the best shot they got.

Curtis Goodwin was a Cub for 89 games during the 1999 season. Fortunately, the 1999 Cubs weren’t interesting enough to merit anyone actually watching them, so most Cubs fans missed the Curtis Goodwin era entirely. In case you were one of those fans, let me recap it.

Curtis was a “Dusty guy” before we even knew what a Dusty guy was. At one point in his career, he was moderately fast, and he played center field. Therefore, he inexplicably carried the reputation of a great base stealer. He was not. You know what else he wasn’t good at? Hitting. Also, fielding. You know how contracts have that language as to “baseball-related activities”? Curtis was bad at those. But we don’t have time for the laundry list of things that Curtis Goodwin wasn’t good at. We have another Goodwin to cover. With that in mind…

Low Point: June 12, 1999. The Cubs are taking on getting pasted by the White Sox at Wrigley Field. Curtis only had one at-bat in the game. He tried to get on base the only way he knew how by drag bunting his way to first. He bunted feebly back to Sox pitcher Mike Sirotka. Why was this his low point? The out left him with a .154 BA, .185 OBP, and .192 SLG, all low water marks for the season.

Did You Know? Australia has Major League baseball, and Curtis actually played in it. When he got cut from all of the Australian teams, he was finally bad enough for the Cubs to sign.

Tom Goodwin

Tom Goodwin was like the twice-as-bad version of Curtis Goodwin, mainly because Tom sucked for two years in a Cubs uniform.

There’s Tom in the background. Graciously jogging off the field as the Angels celebrate completely out-managing the Dusty-Baker-led Giants.

I guess there is a reason to thank Tom. When Corey Patterson was injured during the 2003 season, Tom managed to suck badly enough as his replacement that the Cubs were forced to trade for Kenny Lofton and Aramis Ramirez. Lofton was instrumental in the Cubs’ playoff push that year, and Ramirez has become one of the best slugging third basemen in the game. That didn’t make watching Tom’s 276 Cub at-bats any more tolerable, but I’m just throwing it out there.

Low Point: September 25, 2003. Remember how, at the end of the 2003 season, you were having heart attacks like a Jim Hendry, praying that the Cubs would clinch the division? Remember the series in Cincinnati? The Cubs were down 3 in the top of the 8th on September 25. Tom came up with 2 on and 2 out against John Riedling. Tom struck out swinging. The Cubs lost the game 9-7, and but for a start by Shawn Estes which was nothing short of miraculous, could have lost the division because of that game.

Did You Know? There is a Tom Goodwin Fan Club headquartered in Orlando, FL. Don’t bother. I already checked. Goodwin lives in Texas, not Florida.