The year was 1988. The team was the Cubs. The player was Doug Dascenzo. The format is simple sentences.

Doug Dascenzo, immediately after beating someone to death with a baseball bat. He missed the guy 8 times out of every 10.

How did the Cubs paint themselves into such a corner that Doug Dascenzo ended up being their starting center fielder for the worse better part of the 1992 season? Is it because his baseball card said he played center?

“I have a blue belt in hitting.”

Dascenzo had one thing going for him. He knew how to draw a walk. Perhaps that’s because, at 5’6″, his strike zone was the size of Cubs’ fans racial tolerance. Since, at 5’6″, Dascenzo hit five career homers, I figure my 5’9″ frame projects for approximately 5.2 Major League homers. Dascenzo gets further abuse for being the original Augie Ojeda, a pet ballplayer who was inexplicably loved by coach Don Zimmer.

Low Point: It doesn’t get much lower than 5’6″, does it? How about the fact that the best moments of Dascenzo’s career came as a pitcher? He pitched 5 innings from 1991 to 1992, allowing no earned runs and striking out two. Was he facing himself?

Did You Know? There is a blog dedicated to the teachings of Doug Dascenzo. It lasted three months and hasn’t been updated for a year, but damnit, it has a cool name.