Hire Jim Essian

Hey, you think Shane Andrews' back is okay now? I don't know how he hurt his back, what with him never moving any faster than a glacier and with his neck not having to support a human-sized brain. Oh, I remember. It's probably from him swinging from his ass no matter the count, no matter the situation. ... Read More

Well, cocksuckers, it's my last Friday Roundup until the regular season starts. How do you like that? In fact, this may be my last Spring Training Friday Roundup ever, since this defense is likely to kill me looooong before February of next year. I see Prior is chiming in over at Desipio with his "wah, wah" this and "love ... Read More

HJE Trivia: What's made out of wood, only speaks when spoken to, is often referred to as "dummy," and has Hawk Harrelson's hand up his ass? If you said "a ventriloquist's dummy," you are easily misled. Just look at the picture, man. Darrin Jackson sucked as a Cub, but that's not what this is going to be about. ... Read More

Due to my own inability to count sucky Cubs, today you get a special two-fer on the B126: The Frank Edition. So, when did you hate Frank DiPino more? When he was walking guys and serving up moonshots left and right as a Cub, or when he drilled Mark Grace when he was a Cardinal? DiPino came to the Cubs from ... Read More

Well, kids, Opening Day for us is only four days away. Meaning it's only four days away for you. Because why the f@#$ would you watch the Mets-Cardinals circle jerk on Sunday, other than to throw beer bottles red wine glasses at LaRussa's likeness? So, what's been going down? You mean other than Mark Prior? Or Kerry ... Read More

MESA, Ariz.--Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella, breaking with the longstanding Cub tradition of batting the second baseman in the #2 spot, decided instead to go with left fielder Matt Murton as his #2 hitter when the Cubs open against the Reds in Cincinnati next Monday. Piniella's lineup is as follows: Alfonso Soriano, CF Matt Murton, LF Derrek Lee, 1B Aramis Ramirez, 3B Jacque Jones, RF Michael Barrett, ... Read More

There are two unavoidable truths about John Mabry that make him utterly unlikeable. He spent the majority of his career in a Cardinal uniform. Once in a Cubs uniform, he was so worthless with a bat that he couldn't hit rock bottom if he went "clubbing" with Edmonds and LaRussa drove. Mabry was signed as a free agent before the 2006 season as ... Read More

Holy hell there's more to catch up with here than I can possible cover in one diary entry. If you're wondering where my diary entries have been, well, I've been a busy man, you ingrates. Shove it. I guess the big news is Kerry Wood's career gasping its last gasp. So, that makes Dempster the closer for real, ... Read More

I'm pretty sure Curtis Wilkerson was 4 feet tall and weighed 90 pounds. At least that's how my little eleven-year-old mind remembered him. I also recall thinking that I could probably hit the ball farther than him, and that I'd been able to do so for at least the past 5 years. I was right on all counts. Wilkerson would ... Read More

Thanks a TON to Hire Jim Essian! reader "Brick" for these incredible Jim Essian caricatures. Brick worked hard on them for the good of the site, and they came out looking fantastic. Thanks to Brick's work, I updated the baseball jersey in the Hire Jim Essian! shop to include the first caricature. Yeah. Be the first on your block to have this ... Read More