Okay, whores and boars. It’s Friday, and you know what that means. Strip club night! And also, you get your Friday roundup courtesy of yours truly. Without further doo-doo, here we go:

• The Muskrat points out that I have no choice but to put Hill in the rotation. The guy is on my kid’s fantasy team. Yeah, he took him right after Shawn Estes. There’s gotta be at least 80 teams in my kid’s league. I also made a note on my calendar to forget about what happened to the Cubs in the 2006 season. In hindsight, it seems kind of stupid to write a note about something I’m supposed to forget. It’s almost like it makes me remember…
• Pitcher Watch: Prior is still not dead, Wood is still not wet, and Marquis is still not good (although Cotts sort of is).
• This Gordon Wittenmyer has to be stopped. Now he’s fantasizing about my players sitting in the clubhouse in their underwear. The other day, he used a doughnut to try to lure Eyre into the back of one of those white vans. Pervert. Oh, and his article was about Zambrano hitting the shit out of the ball. Do you realize that at the rate he was hitting home runs last year, Z projected to hit 45 over the course of an entire season? Holy balls.
• This Izturis kid sure is humble. Maybe he’s never caught a glimpse of the size of his ears. He said, “I know who the real Cesar Izturis is. Cesar Izturis is a player that played with the Dodgers, a Gold Glove winner, an All-Star. That’s who Cesar Izturis is. This year, I will stay healthy and they will see that.” Izturis’s story is really inspirational. It’s the story of a young boy who pulled himself up off the streets of Venezuela where, apparently, he was good at baseball, and traveled all the way to America, where he successfully rode the bench for my team. Seriously, until you stop hitting like a pansy, by all means continue sucking your own dick, Dumbo.

That’s all for this Friday. Apparently, these idiot writers are already burnt out from covering the “Ooooooo, Piniella is so much feistier than Dusty” angle. Because that angle was so very clever and original. Hacks.

-Sweet Uncle Lou