Fat, drunk, and bad at pitching is no way to go through life, son. Why didn’t you listen to Dean Wormer’s advice, Ruben Quevedo?

I am no Carlos Zambrano.

Quevedo was similar to Carlos Zambrano in exactly two ways: they were both Venezuelan and both liked danish. Zambrano worked hard at his craft and made himself one of the premiere pitchers in the Major Leagues. Quevedo is currently drooling onto a sneeze guard at your local Old Country Buffet.

Quevedo was awful in his brief career as a Cub and a Brewer. Perhaps if he had made a conscious effort, as Zambrano did, to get himself into shape, he might have had a more successful career. And maybe his fastball could break a plate glass window. But maybe not.

Low Point: Over the course of 5 starts from August 18-September 9, 2000, Quevedo gives up a whopping 30 earned runs (including NINE homeruns) for a nifty 11.57 ERA and a 1-4 record. In comparison, in 1994, Greg Maddux, in arguably his greatest season, gave up 35 earned runs (and only FOUR homeruns) throughout the course of the entire season (25 starts). Is it fair to compare Quevedo with Maddux? Yes. Yes it is.

Did You Know? At one point the tubby Quevedo dropped 25 pounds in an offseason. Impressive until you look at a picture of him and compare it with a picture of Kerry Wood, who dropped 31 pounds in the past offseason. You even suck at losing weight, Ruben.