Hire Jim Essian

The online version of Radar Magazine reports that billionaire Mark Cuban, whose Lloyd Christmas hair belies the fact that he is living most men's fantasies, is going absolutely bonkers trying to buy the Cubs off the Tribune Company. Cuban is throwing around money like he's Jim Hendry hooked up to an EKG machine on a Krispy Kreme high. The face ... Read More

It's the last day of February, and you know what that means. No more celebrating black history! Starting tomorrow, I can be as mean to Jacque Jones as I want to be! It's going to be great! I know you panty-wearers are dying for a diary update, so I won't keep you. Hey, Jim, thanks for the ... Read More

I assume that, when the Cubs acquired Ismael Valdez from the Dodgers in a trade, they thought they were getting the sub-4.00 ERA guy who generally threw around 200 innings and won around 10 games. Perhaps they were forgetting that Dodger Stadium is a more pitcher-friendly park than Wrigley Field, because instead they got these guys: Okay, can any of ... Read More

Former Cubs third baseman Ron Santo came up five votes shy of being inducted by the Veterans Committee into the Hall of Fame. Santo's family could not be reached for comment, as they were packing up all of the sharp objects in Santo's home, cutting all rope into 3-foot lengths, throwing away their toasters, permanently disabling their garage door opener with ... Read More

If the Jon Garland for Matt Karchner trade doesn't stick in your craw, you, sir, have an enormous craw. In late July of 1998 the Cubs were in second place, 3 1/2 games behind Houston, but also 3 games ahead of the Mets in the Wild Card race. They needed an arm. They got a Karchner. Whatcha throwin'? ... Read More

God damnit. I didn't get a chance to write this weekend because Daryl Ward sat on my laptop, so now I'm all backed up. I'll try to catch up. Here we go. Here I am showing the guys how to swim. In the desert. Gerry Perry already has these idiots practicing swinging more than they did under Baker. ... Read More

Jeff Huson's career slugging percentage is nine points lower than his career on base percentage, meaning Huson is the Major League equivalent of the kid in Pony League who went up to bat praying that either (a) the pitcher threw him 4 straight balls, (b) he could fall down, cry, and pretend that he got beaned on the first ... Read More

Is it time yet for another crappy middle infielder? I think so. I give you Jose Nieves. He's like Jose Valentin. Only with no power, a worse mustache, and similarly bad defensive ability. Jose Nieves was one of those "no stick, great glove" guys, only he forgot about the "great glove" part. In fact, he pretty much forgot ... Read More

Ross Gload, you lied to us. You were a hot prospect we got from the Marlins in 2000 who tricked us into thinking you were crap, so we didn't protect you and lost you to Colorado. As it turns out, you developed into a pretty damn good fourth outfielder while you were in Chicago. On the South ... Read More

Congratulations, Mark. Nine days into Spring Training, and you're still alive. ... Read More