Hire Jim Essian

After the Barry Zito signing, many Cubs fans are up in arms about whether the Cubs will be able to retain the soon-to-be-very-expensive Carlos Zambrano. Zito is durable, but if he is $18-million-per-year good, expect Carlos Zambrano to get- well- more than that. Substantially more. LUKE: The reward would be- HAN: What? LUKE: Well, more wealth that you can imagine. HAN: I ... Read More

SAN FRANCISCO--While the other Barry in San Francisco is having a rough go of it, Barry Zito is having a most excellent day. The San Francisco Giants and Zito have reached a preliminary agreement on a bodacious, seven-year, $126 million contract. Eighteen million dollars a year?! Excellent! I'm a flyball pitcher with an outfield with the average age ... Read More

SAN FRANCISCO--The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Wednesday that "federal investigators probing steroids in sports can now use the names and urine samples of about 100 Major League Baseball players who tested positive for performance enhancing drugs," according to SI.com. The ruling could spell disaster for Barry Bonds, who is already under investigation for perjury for telling a federal grand ... Read More

DENVER--Imagine a world where Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken, and Dante Bichette are in the same Hall of Fame class. Can't imagine it? Okay. Pull back a little bit and imagine a world where Dante Bichette is in the Hall of Fame. Still tough? Pull back a little bit more and imagine Dante Bichette getting a ... Read More

... Read More

While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, "Fire Lou Piniella!" got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella's list of New Year's Resolutions. Enjoy. Uncle Time. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games. Return Steve Lyons' wallet. Cut back on the word "c@#$sucker." Increase usage of ... Read More

Merry Christmas, c@#$suckers. ... Read More

SANTO DOMINGO, Dominican Republic--Sammy Sosa is back in training with hopes of returning to the Major Leagues. Having been passed developmentally by a seven-year-old Dakota Fanning, Sosa has a chip on his shoulder and is out to prove himself. Sosa with Fanning in 2001. Fanning can now squat 50 pounds more than Sosa. "I feel like I did when I ... Read More

What is going on in the world of baseball?� Ken Griffey Jr. broke his hand in an undisclosed accident at home.� Meanwhile, Dontrelle Willis was arrested for drunk driving.� Could these incidents both be anger stemming from the fact that Griffey's value is now equivalent to Gary Matthews, Jr. and that Willis is actually worth less than Jason Marquis? The answer, ... Read More

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Robert Fick, who achieved notoriety during the 2003 NLDS when he maliciously slapped at the wrist of Cubs first baseman Eric Karros, has agreed to a minor league contract with the Washington Nationals. The deal came after Fick was told by the Minotaur that the seventh circle of hell was "all full up." Violent offender. Probable sodomite. Fick had ... Read More