10 Years

It’s HJE’s 10th birthday. This seems as appropriate as anything. I should post something.

Happy birthday to me.

She reads from the book of the dead and summons forth long-dormant blogs!

The Muskbox is Talking PRACTICE

Hey, guys. It’s been a while. Not my fault. There was once a day when Muskboxes were a weekly occurrence. When even the BEST questions were about the 25th man on the bench. Or whether Anthony Rizzo can be taught to play third base. Or what the color scheme in […]


An Irish Wake for the 2015 Cubs

Today we gather not to mourn the loss of the 2015 Chicago Cubs, but to celebrate their life. We knew you for a far-too-short 199 days. I remember watching your birth on a chilly Sunday night in Chicago. Even though it wasn’t that long ago, it felt like a lifetime. […]

May the wind be always blowing out.

Eamus Catuli

What if, Though?

For all intents and purposes, the Cubs are done. The average team age is around 18, so they didn’t run out of gas. They shouldn’t have realistically been here, so they didn’t choke. They’re not imbeciles, so they’re not cursed. They’ve run up against an extremely hot hitter, some elite pitching, and some very poorly-timed slumps from their star players. With the way these two teams have played, the Mets deserve to be up 3-0.


I Guess There’s Only One Thing Left to Do

In the fall of 2012, Notre Dame was gearing up to play Southern Cal in the final game of their regular season. ND was 11-0 at the time, and they were playing for a shot at the National Championship. I tweeted out that I wanted the Irish to beat Southern […]

Sad Gateway Arch

The 2015 Cubs Signature Moments

There are dozens of reasons to love the 2015 Cubs that have already been covered ad nauseam. I’ve watched more Cubs baseball this year than I think I have in the past seven years combined. If you’re like me, you’re not going to accomplish anything before 7:08 CST tonight. One […]

You're goddamn right.

She reads from the book of the dead and summons forth long-dormant blogs!

MUSKBOX: Well, Look What the Cat Dragged In

Well, well, well. We haven’t seen a Muskbox for 280 days. Did Carrie take all that time off to compile a series of questions so poignant, so probing, and so insightful that tales will be told of this being the GREATEST MUSKBOX IN HISTORY? SPOILERS: No. Outside of pitching (because […]


Friday Roundup: The “Still Alive” Edition

Yep. This site is not quite dead yet. So, here’s the deal. I’m getting back into live comedy, and that’s been consuming quite a bit of my time lately. I’m trying not to neglect this beautiful disaster of a blog, but life is a whirlwind right now. If you want to see me make dick jokes in real time, I’m going to be performing in my first show next Friday night at 10:00 p.m. at The Comedy Shrine in Aurora (behind the Fox Valley Mall). It’s called “World War Improv”, it’s going to pit two teams of comics against one another, and it’s going to be funny.

I'm not even angry. I'm being so sincere right now.

This picture must be 'shopped. He never once hung on to a bat all the way through a swing.

The Best Bad Cubs Team of My Time: SS Ricky Gutierrez

Only four more positions are left on the Best Bad Cubs Team of- HOLY SHIT, LOOK OUT! MAN, YOU ALMOST GOT NAILED BY THAT BAT AS IT HELICOPTERED THROUGH THE AIR! Anyhow, we only have the outfield and shortstop left to go, and if you- OH MY GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER I THINK THAT’S STRIKE TWO! Whew! That one just missed you. As I was saying, I’m almost done with the list of Best Bad Cubs and- HE ALMOST HIT THAT OLD LADY IN THE FRONT ROW! HER 95 YEARS ALL JUST FLASHED BEFORE HER EYES! Our final infielder was accidentally one of the most dangerous men in baseball. If you attended a game at Wrigley Field in 2000 or 2001, you were as likely to walk home with a souvenir bat as a souvenir ball. You see, Best Bad Cub shortstop Ricky Gutierrez had pine tar issues that- JESUS HE’S LIKE A TODDLER PLAYING WIFFLE BALL! THAT GUY IS DEAD!