Hire Jim Essian

Happy Towel Day to all the froods who really know where their towels are! I'll tell you who DOESN'T know where their towels are. The Cubs! Because they haven't won a game since a week ago Monday! In the time since the last Cubs win, we all witnessed NATOmageddon! The Cubs reacquired Koyie Hill! Those are the two most exciting things that happened!

When I was growing up, baseball was my love. I couldn't wait for summer, when my "baseball friends" would replace my "school friends" and we'd sweat out long, hot Chicago afternoons in our Riverside Yankees uniforms, taking on the surrounding towns like LaGrange Park, Brookfield, Berwyn, and our arch-rivals from South Cicero. We'd take our place in our third-base dugout, not because the Cubs did it, but because the first-base dugout backed up against the forest preserve, which backed up against the Brookfield Zoo, which made it a paradise for swarms of mosquitoes. Our dugouts had no roofs. They weren't dug out of anything. They were, more or less (usually less), an aluminum bench that got blisteringly hot in the sun.

Yes, I know the Roundup should be about Kerry Wood. But I'm not going to diminish the career of one of my favorite Cubs of all time with a passing mention in the Roundup. Until I put together a fitting tribute, for now I'll just say, "Thanks for the memories, Kerry."

In the offseason, I had grand plans to do a bunch of reviews of lesser-known baseball movies. Clearly, those plans to write the greatest series of reviews of all time fell through. Anyhow, apparently no one told my Netflix queue that the plans fell through, so I accidentally received The Final Season the other night. Even more accidentally, I watched it. It was bad.

Tonight, the Cubs are holding their inaugural Social Media Night beginning at 5:45 tonight at the Captain Morgan Club at Wrigley Field. Because it's called a SOCIAL Media Night, our good friends PAUL SULLIVAN and BRUCE MILES were not invited to participate. So, they decided to host Anti-Social Media Night just outside of the Captain Morgan Club. There are few Cubs bloggers as anti-social as I am, so I will be joining them to tweet bitter things about the Cubs' "cool" clique of Carrie Muskat and...Kevin Saghy.

Growing up as a pure left-handed baseball player, my options on the field were limited. I was primarily a first baseman, though I did have my fair share of opportunities in the outfield and one ill-advised stint behind home plate (Why do they even SELL left-handed catcher's mitts?). I've come to accept the fact that there are really only five positions on a baseball diamond for left-handers. The latest Muskbox has not yet accepted the same fact. Even more amazingly, someone finally asks a good question, and it's followed up with NO ANSWER. Muskbox, away!

I appreciate what Twitter has done for the dissemination of news, trends, and even memes in our society. But, God dammit, does it make some people dangerously fucking stupid. For example, I'm really happy that Miami Marlins catcher Brett Hayes is fine after encountering a suicidal gunman on the Florida turnpike yesterday (via BigLeagueStew). I'm not as thrilled about the fact that nowhere in that story does it mention that Hayes ever, I don't know, BOTHERED CALLING THE FUCKING POLICE. He sees an ARMED man who "LOOKED LIKE HE WAS UP TO NO GOOD" WALKING on a TURNPIKE and his first fucking reaction is to tweet about it. Jesus Christ, society. That's insanely fucked up that anyone's first reaction wouldn't be to dial 9-1-1. Thank God no one was hurt. Except the gunman who killed himself, I guess.

A lot of the things I was hoping would happen during the 2012 season are happening. Marlon Byrd is gone. Ryan Dempster is pitching his way right off the Cubs. Starlin Castro is proving that he's just going to keep hitting. Darwin Barney is way less annoying this year. Pat Hughes got to honor Ron Santo by yelling, "Back to back jacks!" last night. Dale Sveum hasn't done anything overtly stupid so far.

If Heath Bell weren't so busy blowing games that Carlos Zambrano should have won, Carlos would probably be laughing his ass off in Miami. Just under a year ago, Carlos pointed out that Carlos Marmol should have gone to his fastball when facing the terrible-fastball-hitting Ryan Theriot. Because Marmol seems unwilling to go to his fastball in ANY situation now, Dale Sveum has demoted him from the closer role. So, yes, you can go ahead and add yet another totally untradeable contract to the growing collection that Jim Hendry left in his wake.

Despite appearances, I'm not letting HJE die a slow death. In fact, I'm working on another facelift for the old girl, which will probably take longer than the T79. Also, there may be a return of a beloved feature on the horizon. No, not the Shoutbox. I haven't gotten around to that yet. In this latest episode of Muskbox, the fans lament Bryan LaHair's lack of at-bats (DAFUQ?) and wonder what might have been for the Peoria Chiefs if Albert Pujols were still playing there. Yup.