This date in 1991: An HOF-worthy night
Good afternoon, Cubs fans! We take a brief break from HJE’s active campaign for me to be the Chicago Cubs’ next manager to look back on one of the highlights of the Jim Essian era. It’s the 19th anniversary of my win over Lou Piniella and his Cincinnati Reds that I chronicled well enough for you three years ago.
Today’s even more appropriate because this weekend, Andre Dawson will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Andre truly was a class act. Enjoy watching Dan Roan’s recap of the day’s action (hopefully, you get past Roan’s blinding shirt). And congrats, Hawk!
Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “If Only We Could Beat the Pirates and Astros” Edition
So, here’s your depressing thought of the weekend (at least before you start drinking). We’re currently 6-15 against the Pirates and Astros. If we had flipped that record and gone 15-6 against them like the rest of the MLB is doing, we would be sitting at 52-44, and a sweep of the Cardinals this weekend would put us in first place by a game. You just started drinking, didn’t you? Hey, good for you. Your tips are both interesting and baffling. Let the sad series of our last few Roundups together begin!
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Time to Fire Up My Troops
Fan club members, Shoutboxers, Cubs fans and others:
It’s time to mobilize. We’re halfway to our dream of installing me back in the Cubs dugout. Lou Piniella has announced his retirement effective at the end of the season. I wish him well in Tampa. But I wish myself better in Chicago.
Obviously, a lot of people are mentioning Iowa Cubs manager Ryne Sandberg as the heir apparent. True, Ryne Sandberg in uniform at Wrigley Field tonight would give the Cubs an immediate improvement. Only, it would be at second base, where a syphilitic lab chimp would be an improvement.
True story: I was once Ryne Sandberg’s boss. True story: I’ve managed more games in the Majors than Ryne Sandberg. True story: Ryne Sandberg never had to take over for a legend who led the Cubs to their last postseason before. True story: Ryne Sandberg has never outmanaged Lou Piniella. True story: Ryne Sandberg is no me.
I do not wish to disparage our Hall of Fame second baseman from the 1980s and 1990s. In 1991, he was my best regular, and he had the second highest OPS among batters with at least 100 plate appearances (the immortal Hector Villanueva was tops). But even there, we have more to the story. During the Don Zimmer/Joe Altobelli period in 1991, Sandberg’s line was .273/.341/.440 with five homers and 13 RBI. After I took over and managed him “not to suck at baseball,” he hit .297/.391/.501, hitting 21 homers and knocking in 87 runs.
Do you think that’s coincidental?
Ryno is a good guy, a baseball enthusiast and a guy who wants to be part of a winning team. So, I’m willing to put him on staff as my bench coach (coaching an inanimate object is easy), or my first base coach (delicious coincidence, him replacing Ivan DeJesus).
But I am the perfect guy for the job. Sandberg got thrown out of a bunch of Minor League games? Big deal. Has he ever charged a pitcher from the third base coach’s box? Has he ever kicked Diamondbacks manager Kirk Gibson’s ass? Did he ever give his tacit approval to Andre Dawson to embarrass and humiliate Joe West?
I think I can get the Ricketts’ family to listen to me. Tom Ricketts owes me. Yes, I know his backstory, and I plan on calling in a favor or two.
Back in October when the media wrote the feel-good stuff about the Ricketts’ family (who knew that Lou Piniella would make the first big personnel change?), I saw this story about Tom in the Daily Herald.
“I met my wife in the bleachers,” Tom says, recalling a Cubs game in 1991. “She was with a group of friends. and I was with a group of friends and family.”
They hit it off and met up later at the Taste of Lincoln Avenue. Then marriage, kids, the usual.
Hmm, Taste of Lincoln Avenue? When was that in 1991? According to an archived story in the Chicago Tribune, it fell on July 27 and 28. I have to assume Mr. Ricketts met his bride during the Saturday game, because what really happens at a street festival on a Sunday night? No, the magic happened July 27, hours after a 1:20 game at Wrigley Field.
Lester Lancaster outdueled John Smoltz (who was rancid that day), and my prized pupil hit two home runs, a three-run shot in the first inning (that may have frustrated Smoltz into drilling Andre Dawson on the very next pitch), and a two-run shot in the third to give the Cubs a 5-0 lead.
As the Cubs built their 5-0 lead (behind the brilliant managing in the dugout) and Ryne Sandberg hit two homers early (as he was more prone to hit home runs and knock in runs under my leadership than Zimmer’s or Altobelli’s), I can only imagine how invincible Mr. Ricketts felt as he sidled up to his future wife and chatted her up about great things to do in Omaha, Small cap stocks, fixed income securities and his bachelor pad over Sports Corner. I am sure, as I brought in Chuck McElroy to pick up the routine three-inning save, he said something like “What a brilliant move! Essian should be Cubs’ manager for life!” I am sure as I stood on the steps of the dugout and cheered as McElroy retired 9 of the 11 guys he faced, that his wife was dazzled by my sharp mustache and my joie de vivre. She was amazed at how my moves worked seamlessly to outwit Bobby Cox (a guy who is getting out of baseball this season rather than have to face me in the regular season).
Had my daring moves failed, would she have made the daring move to go to Taste of Lincoln Ave. with a son of a tycoon? Maybe she would have been inspired to make a bad decision and snuggle up to a balding guy with a bologna sandwich and a scorebook instead.
And you know how life would be different. The balding man would own the Cubs now, and Ricketts would be a frustrated blogger sitting in the left field corner. Thank God that’s not the case.
No, Tom Ricketts shouldn’t thank God for that. Thank God for other things. But the Cubs beating the eventual National League champions on July 27, 1991, him meeting his wife and having five children with her, him buying the Cubs, you can thank me for that.
As for all of you: it’s time to act. Call 773-404-2827, dial “0″ until you get a live voice, and put in a good word for me. Just something about how awesome it would be if I became manager again.
Or you could write:
Tom Ricketts
1060 W. Addison St.
Chicago, IL 60657
Dear Mr. Ricketts,
Hire Jim Essian.
Sincerely,
(Your Name)
By the way, the picture of some of my great fan club members is courtesy of one of my biggest fans, Jody Davis Jodi Gibbs Davis, who posted this on my Facebook Fan Page. Become a “fan” of me (and of this website) today and do your part to install the right man as manager of the Cubs!
Sweet Uncle Lou Rounds Up
In a move which will almost certainly pave the way for the Ryne Sandberg Era, Lou Piniella announced today that he will retire after this season. Selfishly, I am less devastated about losing one of the most-successful managers in Cub history than I am about the death of Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup.
DAMN YOU, PINIELLA!!!
Anyhow, Lou’s current .531 winning percentage with the Cubs is 11th all-time among Cub managers, and is the highest since Gabby Hartnett’s .536 WP from 1938 to 1940. Lou currently has the 9th-most wins of all Cub managers at 307. Assuming the Cubs continue blowing at approximately the same rate, he’ll pass Fred Mitchell (308) and Dusty Baker (322) before the end of this season to put him just behind…uh…Jim Riggleman at 7th on the list. Four of the top six managers ahead of him are Hall of Famers, and one other is Charlie Grimm. Lou’s Cub teams have averaged a 1.8 finish in the division, second only to Frank Chance’s 1.7.
Say what you will about whether or not Piniella had the energy to manage the team this year, but he is certainly a brilliant baseball mind who will be missed. Especially when Ryne Sandberg hires Mark Grace as his bench coach, and Grace nails your mom.
It Was Impossible to Predict that the Wheels Would Fall off Carlos Silva. IMPOSSIBLE.
I definitely expected the wheels to just flatten. Or to pop off entirely due to the stress of carrying around such weight. If you were shocked that Carlos Silva was having a ton of success with the Cubs this year, you’re probably acting like an insufferable know-it-all right now. Silva’s short start against the Dodgers just before the All-Star Break caused his ERA to jump nearly half a run to 3.45. After getting pounded in one five-run inning of work tonight, his ERA is up to 3.86. Who would have thought that a 600-pound pitcher with a history of being terrible would be sweating his way through a disastrous month of July?
If there was ever a trade market for Carlos Silva, he swallowed it. Happily, the Cubs still can’t beat Wandy Rodriguez, Starlin Castro still can’t catch the ball, and Carlos Lee can play until he turns 50 as long as he faces Cub pitching. Go Cubs!
Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Undefeated in the Second Half!” Edition
Hey, Marlon Byrd survived the All-Star Game, and Joey Votto is somehow pissed about that. I’ll tell you who DIDN’T survive the All-Star Game. George Steinbrenner. Seriously, he didn’t. Tips, as always, are wrapped in swaddling clothing and raised as my own. Roundup time.
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NOW Can Tommy Boy Finally Evaluate Jim Hendry?
If there’s one sports radio refrain that annoys me, it’s, “Tom Ricketts is being SO SMART AND CAREFUL about his evaluation of Jim Hendry.” Bullshit. The Cubs are now halfway through their first season under Ricketts’ ownership. They’re 39-50, with the third-highest payroll in all of Major League Baseball. The only two more expensive teams are the 56-32 Yankees and the 51-37 Red Sox, both of whom play in a far tougher division than the Cubs do. The Cubs are saddled with the following virtually untradeable contracts: Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, Carlos Zambrano, Aramis Ramirez, Jeff Samardzija, and John Grabow. Jim Hendry built this team.
I don’t understand why some people are acting like Ricketts is evaluating Hendry in a vacuum. Yes, Ricketts didn’t own the team until last fall, but it’s not as though he’s Leonard from Memento. It’s not as though Hendry’s entire body of work couldn’t have been known prior to Ricketts taking control of the team. Hendry has been the general manager for over eight years. Certainly, someone in the front office wrote down the things he’s done in those eight years. He’s exhibited a pretty clear pattern of (1) making trades which have either worked out well (Lee, Ramirez), worked out terribly (Pierre), even if the idea was good (Nomar), or been completely baffling and pointless (Trachsel); (2) handed out far too many years at free agents, whether they’ve worked out (Soriano) or not (Marquis); (3) given a no-trade clause to every asshole who’s asked for one (Samardzija); and (4) torpedoed the trade value of several of his players just before he ships them out of town (Farnsworth, Patterson, Sosa, Pie, Bradley, possibly Zambrano). Why would Ricketts assume that Hendry would change his managerial style going forward?
How long did it take Hendry to replace Derrek Lee during the 2006 season, and why did we have to wait that long for Phil Nevin? Why did Greg Maddux have to trade himself for Cesar Izturis? Why hasn’t there been a backup third baseman on the roster for the past couple of seasons? Why wasn’t Dusty Baker fired after the debacles that were the end of the 2004 season, all of the 2005 season, and all of the 2006 season? WHY IS DARYLE WARD GONE?
A popular counter-argument has become, “It’s not Jim Hendry’s fault that Aramis and Lee aren’t hitting.” No shit. It’s also not Lou Piniella’s fault, yet a disturbing number of fans have decided to crucify him. But it is Jim Hendry’s fault that the oft-injured Angel Guzman was expected to play a crucial role in the bullpen. It is his fault that, once again, there was no legitimate backup for Aramis Ramirez. It is his fault that- well, Jeff Samardzija.
Some fans argue that a switch now won’t help the team. Why not? If this isn’t Hendry’s team moving forward, it stands to reason that a new G.M. should take over prior to the trade deadline. 2010 is over. I’m frustrated to the point where I don’t even care if Hendry is the G.M. in 2011. But cut the wishy-washy nonsense. There’s no reason a decision on Hendry couldn’t have already been made. And if it has been made already, God help us all.
Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “You Left Work Already, Didn’t You?” Edition
I get it. You’re annoyed that I’ve been slacking with the Roundup. It’s L.A. The women are gorgeous, and I like to sleep in. Deal with it. You could always read the links on Monday and be completely unproductive at the beginning of the week instead of the end. Life has somewhat settled down, not that anyone cares, so we’ll likely be back on a semi-normal posting basis next week. That’s great news for those of you who have missed your required intake of dick jokes. Tips are appreciated as much as they can be.
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At Least PRETEND You’re Not Screwing Us
Reader Pre was, apparently, drunk enough to want to purchase Cubs tickets, yet not quite drunk enough to forget how to screencap his computer. So he was kind enough to capture the following glory.
Finally, some honesty out of the Cub organization.
Sweet Uncle Lou is on Vacation
Sorry, gang. The so-called HJE staff is heading to the game today (WHY?) and then going out of town this weekend, so we didn’t get around to the Roundup. Our general malaise toward this team will be cured soon enough, and I’ll try to tweet hilarious stuff from the game to make up for my slackership. Have a great long weekend, everyone. GO USA!
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