Sweet Uncle Lou’s Thursday Roundup: The “Procrastinate Like It’s Friday” Edition
First of all, I have HUGE NEWS! Jim acquired Jeff Baker from the Rockies! I guess that’s only huge if you assume the Aaron Miles era is over. I’m not completely convinced that it is. Anyhow, since most of you won’t be working tomorrow (meaning we probably won’t post tomorrow), you get your weekly Roundup a day early. As always, Roundup tips, hilarious stories, or any other tidbits you want to send are appreciated.
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The Case Against Ron Santo
No, this is not an argument against Ron Santo’s inclusion into the Hall of Fame. Only a true idiot—or an insecure weirdo like Mike Schmidt—would make such an argument. Santo has long been deserving, and his exclusion is worthy of an absurdist drama.
It is, however, this very debate that has wound its way through the years to the situation with which we’re faced currently—an 800 pound gorilla in the broadcast booth whose antics have gone from endearing to totally unlistenable.
Jaws: The Revenge
Samardzija up, Ascanio down. Yawn.
Fixing the Cubs the Phil Rogers Way
Quick. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever thought? Was it something like, “Man, The Matrix is really deep,” or “Green Day’s music really speaks to me”? When you thought it, did you immediately feel shame and embarrassment for the idea even entering your mind? Or did you blurt out what you thought, perhaps in a room full of people with whom you haven’t since spoken? Surely, you didn’t write the dumbest thing ever in a newspaper circulated in the third-largest city in the United States of America, did you? Congratulations, you’re not Phil Rogers. As much as I mock the crowd of dopes that want to bring back Mark DeRosa and Kerry Wood to solve the Cubs’ woes, those people look like MENSA members next to Phil. How does he plan on turning around the 2009 Cubs?
By trading Carlos Zambrano. No need to click the link. The stupidity unfolds below.
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Up Yours DeRosa, And Your Legion Of Fanboys In Chicago
Call me arrogant. Call me naive. Accuse me of shaking my fist at the gods. But I can’t help but smugly smile upon hearing the news that serial saving-children-from-burning-houses hero and future first ballot Hall of Famer Mark DeRosa has been dealt to the St. Louis Cardinals.
Friday Night Fukudome: Bradley vs. Piniella
The Cubs have somehow found a way to sap the enjoyment even from their wins. In the middle of today’s game, Milton Bradley threw a temper tantrum, and Lou Piniella brought him into the clubhouse, presumably to take him over his knee. Both guys have a reputation for being hotheads. As you are aware, there’s only one way to settle things in Cubland. So, let’s put them in the Fukudome.
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VS. |  |
| Milton Bradley | Lou Piniella |
Loading ...Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Beat Us” Edition
Originally, the title of this Roundup was going to be something about Geovany Soto having the munchies. But then Soto was upstaged by the death of the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. So, instead, it’s time for a tribute song. As always, tips, hints, and suggestions for the Roundup are welcome.
Beat Us, sung to the tune of Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”
We all assumed that this would be the Cubs’ year.
The bullpen kind of sucks, the hitting’s disappeared.
But the Central’s really bad, so we’re hanging round here.
So beat us. Just beat us.
We cannot run, We cannot catch a fly ball.
Our middle infield’s only four feet tall.
Our team is as tough as we were just last fall.
So beat us, because we are so bad.
Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Beat us like we are your penus!
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us!
Just beat us! Beat us!
Just beat us! Beat us!
Just beat us! Beat us!
Our Rule Five draft pick is an albino man.
He’s one hundred shades lighter than David Kaplan.
Our starting center fielder should move back to Japan.
So beat us. Just beat us.
Coach Lou Piniella doesn’t yell anymore.
I wish he’d just pop off and call an ump a whore.
We suck, but yet you watch us,
Even though we’re a bore.
So beat us, because we are so bad.
Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Micah talks like such a Cletus.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
That’s the way you like to treat us.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Tell your friends, so they can Tweet us.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Santo has the diabeetus.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
Miles is an aborted fetus.
We won’t resist it. We have no fight.
Beat us in day or under the lights.
Just beat us! Beat us!
Beat us! Beat us! Beat us!
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Let’s Help the NL Actually WIN an All-Star Game
I like the All-Star Game. I think it’s a terrific event, a nice break in the season, and the only All-Star Game in the major sports about which anyone gives a damn. However, I am not a fan of the All-Star Game meaning anything more than mid-season entertainment. When Bud Selig made the All-Star Game “count” for home-field advantage in the World Series, and then still allowed the unwashed, uneducated masses to vote in the players who would be playing in the game, well, that was just another stupid decision in the many that Bud has made during his tenure as Commissioner of Baseball. Right now, Alfonso Soriano is FOURTH in fan voting for the National League outfield. That’s absolutely terrible. So, let’s do what we can to put our differences with other players aside to help the Senior Circuit actually win an All-Star Game. Vote often (up to 25 times). Not to influence your decision, but here is my ballot:
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Do the Cubs Hate Ryan Dempster?
Last week, I was worried that Ryan Dempster was developing Jason Marquis Disease. If you’re unfamiliar with JMD, it occurs when you’re a starting pitcher who gives up just enough runs for your team to lose. So, if the Cubs score 8, you’re busy giving up 9. If they score 1, you just allowed a two-run homer. But after Dempster gave the Cubs yet another chance to win in Atlanta last night, I started to worry that everyone on the team just hates him, so I did some digging.
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Welcome Back, Derrek Lee
Now that Derrek Lee is no longer hitting third in the lineup, he’s finally hitting like a guy who should be hitting third in the lineup. He’s put up a .378/.440/.756 line in the past two weeks with 5 HR and 13 RBIs. His hitting streak is up to 18 games. He’s already reached more than half of his home run total from the 2008 season. No one on this team is capable of replacing the production lost with Aramis Ramirez out of the lineup, but Lee has sure as hell been trying lately.
We missed you, Derrek.
CT
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